ATLANTA—Last Tuesday Randy Johnson became the oldest player to pitch a perfect game, cementing his place n the history books.  Later that night, the Big Unit capped off his perfect evening by making violent love to a waitress from TGI Friday’s.

The waitress, Myra Sullivan, 21, was getting off the late shift when Johnson and his Diamondback teammates entered to celebrate their victory.  The two made eye contact and Johnson began to flirt, pat her behind, and cop feels.

“We were only there a half hour when Randy just up and left with some waitress without even saying goodbye,” said D-Backs centerfielder Steve Finley.  “I figured, ah, what the hell, it’s his night.”

The two then retired to Sullivan’s home, where they commenced to screw like heated, bloodthirsty dogs.  At a morning after press conference, Johnson would not comment on the specifics of the sex.  However, a press agent from the Diamondbacks confirmed that the two were very inventive and used “missionary, doggy-style, spooning, and 'normal' positions.” 

ESPN reported that several neighbors were awoken by repeated cries of “Steeee-RIKE!”  Analyst Peter Gammons was impressed by the aging Johnson’s virility between the sheets: “He maintained command of his pelvic strokes, remained dominant, and stayed in there to get the job done.  This was truly a heated night of fucking for the Big Unit.”