Dear Breath Savers,

Your product means more to me than you could ever imagine.  Time and time again, you have successfully provided for me cool, minty breath.  When I used to have a girlfriend, she would always compliment me on how good my breath smelled.  Many times we'd lay in bed together, stroking one another's hair and kissing intermittently, and we were never afraid to put our faces in close proximity to one another. 

But that was a long time ago.  The girl, Lisa, has since left me for a graphic design artist at her internship in St. Louis.  The man is five years her senior, balding, and outrageously fat.  In the neighborhood of 250-275 pounds.  Maybe it's my fault for taking her for granted; I don’t know.  But I do know this: I love Breath Savers.

In addition to making my breath tolerable for others, I love the way your product makes my mouth feel.  One word: spectacular.  You've heard the slogan "there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited"?  Well, with Breath Savers, God is throwing a HUGE party in my mouth, just for me, and I can invite whoever I want.

People I would invite to my mouth party: 1) Mark Twain, 2) My mother, 3) President Clinton, 4) Selma Hayek. 

People I would NOT invite to my mouth party: 1) The terrorists, 2) Brenda from work, 3) Phil Collins.

People I would have the guards shoot on sight at my mouth party: 1) My ex-girlfriend Lisa, 2) Her fat little friend, 3) Phil Collins.

Please understand that this breakup has been very hard on me.  I loved her so much, and believed her when she said we’d be together forever.  I'm a different person now that we're apart, and I'm not sure I like myself.  It's called everything into question: am I validated as a person?  Will anyone find anything worth knowing in me?  Is there a destiny, a pattern, or is life reduced to who hurts who first?

With my whole world in upheaval, my stomach has been very upset as late.  I tried antacids, and they didn't work.  I tried tomato juice and crackers and prayer and meditation but nothing worked.  Except Breath Savers.  I buy a new pack every day, and they always calm my stomach and ease the physical side effects of my crippling emotional pain.

I'm not making this up.

I wasn't sure if you knew your product could be a placebo for the broken-hearted, so I thought I ought to write you and make you aware.  I wanted to truly thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I know that emotional well-being was only a pleasing side effect of Breath Savers cool refreshing flavor, but I am very grateful.

If you, the Breath Savers Corporation, ever need a favor or anything, let me know.  I sell cell phones, do landscaping work, and write freelance.  I always return favors to people who take care of me.

Also, sometimes I get really lonely at night.  I just can't sleep.  So if you ever want to talk or anything, feel free to call me up.  I'm in the book.

Thank You,

Ryan Arey

PS. If you plan on calling, could you let me know?  I'd hate to be left hanging, and I'd sort of like to know if I should expect your call or not.  No big deal though.  Thanks again.