NURSE
Mr. Daniels?  Congratulations, it's a girl.  Follow me to see your wife.

The man stands up, happy.

MR. DANIELS
A girl!  She's all right!  I'm a dad!  Im a dad! 

He exits, excited.  Another man, David, gets up and starts pacing nervously.

DAVID
Yeah, good for you.  Poor sucker actually wants to have a kid. 

He approaches a man sitting down, named Bert. 

DAVID (CONTD)
I don't even want to be here.  I'm missing a game of flag football for this.

BERT
But you're having a baby.

DAVID
No, she's having a baby.  I'm having twelve Natty lights and a broken condom.  I can't be a father.  I can't.

Another man, Ernest Hemmingway, chimes in.  He's really happy and optimistic.

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Well not me, sir.  I'm going to love being a father.  I'm married to the most beautiful woman in the world.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, is ever going to bring me down. 
(offers hand)
Name's Ernest Hemmingway.

DAVID
Pleasure. 

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Yup, life sure is going to be good.  I can't wait to raise a child and grow old with my wife.  I'm done with the war, and now I'm ready to live a life of peace and harmony.  Why, I may even become a vegetarian. 

DAVID
Christ, my life is over. 
(noticing an attractive woman)
Koothcy kootchy koo... 

He approaches a woman, sitting alone, holding a large picture, poster board size.

DAVID (CONTD)
Hey sweety, you knocked up?

FEMINIST
I am not sweet and no I am not "knocked up."  My husband is giving birth, and I am here for support.

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Husbands don't make babies!  Oh how I wish we could...but we can't!

FEMINIST
Oh no?  So I'm supposed to have the baby?  I am not bound by society's perception of women!  Why does a woman have to have the baby?  Why can't a woman produce sperm for a man to carry around in his uterus? 

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Right on sister!  More power to women everywhere!  So speaks Ernest Hemmingway!

BERT
Hey, uhm, whacky feminist character, what's that big poster board?

She turns the poster board around, to reveal a map of the female reproductive system.

FEMINIST
This is a diagram of the female reproductive system!  Isn't it beautiful?

All of the men look away, ashamed.  She stands and brings the picture to David. 

FEMINIST (CONTD)
Are you scared of the vagina? 

DAVID
No!

FEMINIST
Surrender to you fear!  This is your master, the cradle of life!

DAVID
I can't!

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Hey, I'll look at the vagina!  Women are the superior sex.  I love women.  I love life.  Nothing can ever bring me down.

The Nurse enters.

NURSE
Excuse me, Mr. Hemmingway?

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Yes?

NURSE
I'm afraid I have some bad news.  Your wife...didn't make it through labor.  She was bleeding very badly, and well...we couldn't save the baby.

Ernest takes center stage, freaking out.

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
No!  Life is cruel!  God is a monster.  I'm going to spend the rest of my life writing Spartan prose that reveals humanity as the base, vile institution it is.  The name Ernest Hemmingway will be synonymous with the cycle of death.

NURSE
Oh, I'm sorry.  You're Ernest Hemmingway?  I was looking for Bert Hemmingway.

BERT
That's me.

NURSE
(cheery)
Mr. Hemmingway, your wife and child are dead.  Sorry about the mix up.
Bert stands to follow her.

BERT
Wow.  So, not only am I not a famous writer, but my wife and child just died.
Was it a boy or girl?

NURSE
Maybe you didn't hear me right.  The babys dead.  It doesn't matter what it was.  Dead baby.  Why did the dead baby fall out of the tree?

BERT
I don't know.

NURSE
Because it was dead.

They exit.

DAVID
My God, that can happen?  People just die in labor like that? 

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
I'm afraid so.

DAVID
That's great!  What do you think the odds are? 

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
Well....

David drops to his knees.

DAVID
Please God please.  I know I dont ask for much, but please.  Kill the baby.  Kill it, kill it, kill it.  Take it to heaven.  It'll be better off.

FEMINIST
Stop praying to your chauvinist God!  He can't help you.  You have only one option, now.

DAVID
What? 

FEMINIST
Invasion.

She lays the diagram of the vagina on the ground, and they all gather around it.  She puts on an army helmet.  Very Patton.

More people enter to listen to her plan.  Two of them holding an American flag.

FEMINIST (CONTD)
We'll need at least a dozen soldiers, the best we have.  I'm talking ghost recons here, people.  If we fail Uncle Sam can't acknowledge our existence.  We're going to slip into the vagina, neutralize the infant, and get the hell out of Dodge.  I need a sniper here, on the labia majora.  We'll need an additional four men to lay down grazing fire along the surface of the vagina.  Tex, Hemmingway, you're with me.  We'll lead the main assault through the cervix.  Squad B, you'll have our flank when we breach the uterine wall.  Now--

Nurse enters again.

NURSE
Mr. David Riddlerider?  Congratulations, it's a boy! 

David's in shock.  Everyone pulls out party noisemakers and celebrates.

ALL
Congratulations!

DAVID

Nooooo!

 

Freeze.  The writer of the sketch, me, come son stage.  A single spotlight.

 

RYAN

Hi.  My name is Ryan Arey, and I wrote this sketch about my birth.  As you can see, my dad never really loved me.  Mom didn't, either.  So I had a rough childhood.  So I was wondering if any of you ladies in the audience could give me a venereal disease.  because that way I could die, but I'd get to lose my virginity.  Anyone?  No?  Okay.  Thanks, enjoy the rest of the show.  And if anyone is a suicide doctor, meet me backstage, I'd like to end this tonight, if I can.