SON
Mom, dad.  You guys wanted to see me?

DAD
Yes.  You better sit down son.  It's important.

Son sits.  Dad stands and paces.

SON
What is it?  Am I in trouble?

DAD
Heavens no, Kevin!  It's nothing like that.  It's, boy-this is difficult.  Rose, maybe you should...

MOM
Okay.  Kevin.  There's really no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it.  Harry here is not your real dad.

SON
What?  Dad, is this true?

Dad nods, solemnly.  His son looks at his dads eyes and sees betrayal.

SON (CONTD)
Mom, how did this happen?  Did you cheat on dad?

DAD
Heavens no, Kevin!  Your mother would never do that!  Right, honey?

Mom looks away sheepishly.  Dad does a double take.

DAD (CONTD)
Well, anyway son.  Your real father died, and I met Rose a couple of months later.

MOM
Now you understand that this doesn't change anything, right?  You were raised as this man's son, and you are his son.

SON
No, this changes everything!  I love you dad, I mean Harry, I mean, ah shit!  This is so weird.

DAD
It gets weirder.

MOM
Your father is still alive.  We thought he dies when he dove into a pool of lava...but he made it out.

SON
What?  Lava?  How--

MOM
He's here.  He wants to meet you if you feel ready.

SON
He's here?  I don't know, this is all happening at once.  I'm still in shock, I can't make a decision this important right now.  I'm going through so many emotions right--yes, I'll see him.

MOM
I'll go get him.

She leaves.  Then returns a moment later with a hunched over, grotesque beast.  Wiry, paranoid, not to be trusted.

MOM (CONTD)
Kevin, this is your biological father.  Gollum, from Lord of the Rings.

GOLLUM
Yes!  My precious sees it!  Bright lights!

DAD
We'll leave you two alone.

Mom and dad leave.  Kevin sits down, while Gollum slithers about, smelling things.

KEVIN
So, you're my real dad.  Wow.  There's so much I'd like to ask you.  About where we came from.

GOLLUM
Precious, my precious.  A tasty morsel it would make us.  But what is it, my precious?

KEVIN
So do I have any brothers or sisters?  I've always wanted a baby brother.

GOLLUM
Yes, Gollum.  But perhaps we sits here and chats with it.  It likes rrrrridles?    It must have a competition with us.  If precious asks and it doesn't answer.

Gollum breathes heavily for a beat.

GOLLUM (CONTD)
We eats it, my precious.

KEVIN
I guess that's a no on the whole baby brother thing.  Where have you been all these years? 

GOLLUM
Now we asks it a riddle.  But if it asks and we don't know, we shows it the way out.  Voiceless it cries/Wingless flutters/Toothless bites/Mouthless mutters.

KEVIN
Dad, I have no idea what you're talking about.  Are you retarded, in some way?

GOLLUM
What does it answer?

KEVIN
I guess falling into a volcano would damage a guy. 

GOLLUM
Will it taste delicious my precious?

KEVIN
So what kinds of things do you like to do?

GOLLUM
My precious shows it something pretty.  My birthday present.

KEVIN
Is it your birthday, Dad?

GOLLUM
My precious finds a ring on its birthday long ago.  A golden ring.  A magic ring.

KEVIN
Oh.  And where is you magic ring now?

GOLLUM
The hobbitses takes it from my precious.  We hates it.

Gollum starts breathing heavily, freaking out.

GOLLUM (CONTD)
My ring!  My birthday present!  Thief!  Thief Baggins!  We hates it!  Hates it forever!  

Gollum leaps for Kevin's neck.  Kevin beats at him.

KEVIN
Mom, dad, help! Its crazy!

Mom and dad rush into the room, ripping Gollum from Kevin.

GOLLUM
No.  We eats it!  Is it tasty, gooey, scrumptious?

KEVIN
What the hell is that thing?  That can't be my dad!

MOM
You know, actually.  No, he's not.  I didnt make it with Gollum till after we were married.

KEVIN/DAD
What!?

Gollum takes advantage of the distraction to lunge at Kevin.  Dad judo chops Gollum to the ground.   Gollum howls in pain.