Dear Mister Davis,

I heard your father-in-law died.  I'm sorry.  Perhaps by the time you read this, some of that grief will be alleviated.  This is my first day substitute teaching, but I'm confident I can do a good job.  After all, how rowdy can a group of seventh graders be?  I'm going to keep a detailed log throughout the day, so you'll know exactly what we accomplished. 

My best to you and your wife's dead father,

Ryan Arey 

7:45--Just arrived, said hello to Mrs. Edwards next door.  She's pretty crabby--glad she won't be in my class!  I just finished looking over your lesson plan, and everything looks just dandy.  Math, literature, and science aren't my best subjects--I majored in communications.  I want to be a comedian; this substitute-teaching thing is just a way to supplement my income.  But, I figure I can wing it okay.  I hope the kids are good, because I have an open mike tomorrow I need to get ready for.  I might even bounce some material off of them!  Oh, there's the bell!  Better get to work.

8:30We just said the pledge of allegiance.  I wasn't sure whether I should have said "Under God" or notwhat do you do?  I said, "Under Dog."  I hope no one noticed; I don't want to get in trouble, by God or the federal government. 

The kids are just settling down and writing their vocabulary off the board.  You sure did give them some hard words.  "Ululate," what the hell does that mean?  But who cares, I'm not the one that needs to know the answers.  Why--sorry, I had to get up just now.  This one kid--Donny--keeps getting up out of his seat to talk to someone.  I yelled at him to sit down.  I'm sure I won't have any more problems from him today.

8:40--They just called one kid--Becky Copley, to the office.  I'm not sure why.  I guess they let you know, don't they?

8:42--Class is going really well, and the kids are reading.  I'm going to step out for a smoke break. 

9:05--I just spent the past fifteen minutes looking for the lesson plan.  When I walked back in from my smoke, it was gone.  I'm positive I left it sitting on the desk.  I think one of the kids moved it--maybe Donny.  Nobody's talking, though I heard a few snickers when I was looking for it.  Wait--I have an idea.

9:15--That didn't work.  I said, "I dont care who took the book, I just want it back.  So I'm going to shut off the lights, and whoever took the book can put it back on the desk.  I won't look."  I shut the lights off, counted to 50. 

Now my car keys are missing.  I'm sure they'll give them back; but man, this is really annoying.  So, I hope you'll forgive if we don't stick to the lesson plan.  I remember seeing something in there about fractions, and I cant do fractions, man.  That's okay; I majored in communications.  I'll just make shit up. 

9:35--Okay, I have some free time now.  I told the kids about Scotland, and William Wallace.  I memorized that Braveheart speech for my acting monologue, so it was okay.  Then the kids started asking questions, and I just had to fucking lie to them.  This one girl, ahhhh--Cassandra.  I think she was on to me.  Kept raising her hand, arguing.  So now she's standing in the corner.  Hang on--damn Donny!  He won't stay in his seat, so I made him stand in a corner.  Now he's making faces.  Crap.  I've made a hero out of him. 

They keep asking me when Becky--the girl that went to the office--is coming back.  I've decided to send a scout to the office.  And I know just the girl.  Cassandra.  And I'm going to make Donny sit up here next to me.  Order will be restored. 

Teaching is easy.

9:45'--They just announced that the snack cart isn't coming around today--something about cutbacks.  Three or four of the kids keep saying they're hungry.  I don't know what to do. 

I'm running out of movies to talk about.  Too many of these kids have seen the Patriot and Robin Hood.  Kids keep asking about Becky and Cassandra, when they're coming back.  I wish I knew.  I just keep on a good face. 

This fat kid, Chester, keeps raising his hand and saying he's hungry.  He talks about food so damn much he's making me hungry, too. 

9:50--I had to force Donny back into his seat.  He may be eleven, but he's stout.  I'm out of breath.  Should I send him to the office?  Everybody would just keep asking where he went.  Where are Cassandra and Becky?  This is starting to piss me off.

One kid said that maybe the janitor kidnapped them.  I guess he heard some news story about a crazy janitor in some school.  Heh.  Kids.  Why would anyone be afraid of a janitor? 

10:00--Compromise.  I told the kids, "Free day."  I got down all the board games, and now they should play okay until lunch.  Please Jesus, let them play until lunch. 

10:01--Playtime is in shambles.  All the games suck.  Multiplication cards, Mad Libs--suck.  Kids keep fighting over who's going to play Connect Four. It's hard to keep track of Donny.

10:07--Chester just stole someone's lunch (I think Cassandra's).  I caught him eating it under a table in the back.  Once the other kids found out he had food, the begging started.  I need to break this up.

10:09--Change of plans.  Someone put crayons on the heater and now the whole place smells like fried wax.  There's a huge mess.  I'm going to go find a janitor. 

Some time after eleven--No time.  No janitor in building.  Returned to a classroom in anarchy.  Kids have shirts off, melted crayon wax on faces.  Painted like little savages. 

They attacked me.  Have barricaded myself behind desk.  Children are eating the multiplication cards and Mad Libs.

Sometime later--Burning wax.  They have made Donny Chief of their tribe.  They're up to something.  I can hear them ululating.   

Still hiding.  Kids can't lift desk.  I remember a different time, long ago.  There was some sort of plan, a lesson.  It seems so distant now, like a star.  So hungry.  I hear them.  Donny will bring us food.  He is the leader. 

The Janitors will come for us, if they are not appeased.  Children will sacrifice me to the Janitors.  Then there will be meat.  And fire. 

Janitors bring food.  Class happy.  They are many and I am one.  I am the sacrifice.  I will die today.  They have just lifted the de

11:42--Just returned to the class.  Moments before the kids gutted me like a pig, I remembered something; I took the lesson plan outside with me when I went for a smoke.  That way the kids wouldn't get it.  Well, I got caught up watching the high school girl's gym class, forgot all about it. 

When I walked back into a classroom of painted savages, carrying a lesson plan, boy were their faces red (as well as sienna, magenta, and midnight blue). 

I got everyone working on their spelling in short order though, no harm done.  Although you will need to order some more multiplication cards. 

Oh, there's the lunch bell.  I'm really sorry about the mess in here, but the janitors must be on strike or something.  Or they're down in the school's basement, doing God knows what to the missing kids.  I should work that into my set at the open mike tonight. 

It'll kill.