Dear 10 Items or Less Lady Dear Ten Items or Less Lady, Thank you for finally standing up for my rights.  As a person who strictly obeys the “10 Items or Less” rule, I am often appalled to see shoppers enter the aisle with upwards of fifteen items—a full 50%+ increase on the allotted amount...

Confessions of a Potato Chip Junkie Dear Sir or Madam:   Recently, I heard of the contest being held by the Ohio Department of Agriculture, celebrating the potato chip's 150th year.  While the opportunity to win a lifetime supply seems attractive...

That's the Bee That Stung Me! Last week, your paper published a front-page photo of a wild honeybee hive on Spurgeon Hill Road.  My compliments to the photographer; it is a very nice shot.   However, when I saw the photo, I gasped out loud.  You see, I recognized one of the bees immediately, because it stung me...

Dear Condoleeza, Please Come to My Pizza Party Dear Dr. Rice,   Congratulations on your new job as Secretary of State!  I think it’s a great honor you’ve earned.  You’re one of the greatest National Security Advisers ever, and you’ll do...

Are There Other Uses for the Big Game Cooler Bag? Dear Bass Pro Shop,   I was just perusing the latest issue of your catalog.  A first rate publication.  Young men like myself, living alone in my early thirties, are always grateful for...

Prepping Your Kids for Hardship, Pain We take field trips to Brush Creek, where we test the pH levels of the water, and we've also visited Lynx Prairie to learn about the rare and beautiful plants that have been there since the Ice Age.  But I guess what the kids enjoy most is when we go into the woods with our rifles and blow shit away.

How Peppermint Breathsavers Kept Me From Killing Myself Dear Breath Savers,   Your product means more to me than you could ever imagine.  Time and time again, you have successfully provided for me cool, minty breath. When I used to have a girlfriend,

I Shall Investigate These "Crop" Circles The crop circles have returned to our rural community, and our lives are made interesting once again.  Unlike last year's occurrences, this time they appear to be man-made.  (Unless the Martians have started wearing women's shoes...

Your Video Store's Lack of Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd Offends Me I am a frequent customer of your video store, Dollar Town.  Though the service at this establishment is first rate, and your burgeoning DVD collection gains strength weekly, I have a grievance with your video selection.

Opossums Should Tend to Their Own Dead Editor,   Have you noticed an excess of possum road kill on our highways this spring?  I have too!  This is because the opossum's...

Johnny Appleseed vs. Hugo Lemontree Dear Mr. Leonard, I was pleased to hear about your community's Ohio Bicentennial celebration.  Having people dress up as prominent Ohioans from the past, like Johnny "Appleseed" Chapman, is a fun idea!  Chapman was a folk hero...

Please Return My Alligator Wife In last week's paper, you published an article about a local couple, Sam and Joanna Stephens, who found an alligator near their pond.  Thank God the animal was safe!  You see, from the article's description, I believe the alligator may be my wife, Dixie...

Can My Imaginary Friend Go to Heaven? Dear Reverend Phillips,   Hi my name is Billy and I'm 9 and my best friend is my imaginary twin brother named Duke.  Duke and me have been best friends since I was a baby.  When mom and dad got divorced and my dog was run over Duke was ...

The ACLU Has Blinded Me Since the Ten Commandments monuments were removed from the fronts of our area schools in June, our community has been in mourning.  A great sorrow has fallen over us since that fateful day when those sacred slabs of rock were taken from us by that ACLU lawsuit.  Collectively, our community feels that it has lost something.

Mozambique Possesses RMDs: Rocks of Mass Destruction In spite of the peace protests over the weekend, I still favor preemptive strikes against third world nations building weapons of mass destruction.  We have to hit the bad guys first.  And yes, that includes the starving masses of Iraq and Afghanistan.  That's why I am advocating an immediate invasion of Mozambique...

Pete Rose, Please Join Our Senior Class Hall of Hame You are my boyhood hero.  When I was growing up, you were the first baseball player I had ever heard of, so in many respects, you are baseball to me.  I even watched your TV show with the giant chicken...

Jean Schmidt Owes me a Sorry Congresswoman Jean Schmidt is an embarrassment to our district.  On the House floor last week, she insulted a fellow congressman, John Murtha, saying: “Cowards cut and run, marines never do.”

Our State Rep is a Horrible Writer Dear Representative Bubp,   You ignorant bag of pus...

Please Stop Homosexuals From Tearing up My Lawn I’m very happy you won your seat for the 88th District Rep.  I’m hoping you’ll be the man who finally does something about the homosexual problem we’re having.  I am sick and tired of homosexuals nosing around in my affairs...

Congressman Bubp's New Photo I am writing to compliment you on the striking new photo of yourself that accompanies your columns in our local papers...

98 Percent Club

Cookie Queen

The Growing Icicle Menace

Old Timer's Day Skanks

Inquiry: Can You Deliver Jehovah God's Baby?

Recreational Shelter for Lost Narcotics

Terrible Font Choice

The Vigilant Christian

Department of International Skittle Alliances