Duck Hunt Dog Shot At

In a fit of frustration yesterday, a local duck hunter fired upon his loyal hound in the hunting fields outside of town. The hunter, Dylan Anderson (9), was out of rounds, so the animal's life was spared. He has been arrested on charges of animal cruelty. Sources close to Anderson say the pixilated dog had it coming, after repeatedly taunting the boy following a duck's fly away. "I emptied a whole clip into him, and he just kept laughing," said a shell-shocked Anderson, "I can't go back to fourth grade life after what I've seen. Fuck fractions, I need a drink."

Serpent Mound Commemorates 3,000^th Hippy Visit

The Serpent Mound State Park celebrated a milestone Wednesday, as the 3000^th hippy visited this sacred site. The hippy, a Californian named Walt, played his conga drums in the center of the great earthwork’s head, reportedly to “tune his vibrations with the Earth’s.” After presenting Walt with a plaque and a free balloon, the mound’s caretakers politely asked him to leave.

Area Man Could Take Toby Keith in a Fight

While watching CMT yesterday, Eddie Roberts, 22, announced that he could take country music singer Toby Keith in a fight. The announcement came during Keith's Let's Talk About Me video. "He's pretty built," Roberts evaluated, "And I'm betting he could take care of himself. It would be a good fight." Roberts then added that anytime the country music star wanted to roll, he'd be ready for him. Toby Keith couldn't be reached for comment.

No Clean Spoons in Drawer

According to a statement issued by area teenager Ben Benson, "Mom, there's no clean spoons in this drawer." The statement was made around ten oclock at night, after Benson went into the kitchen to prepare a bowl of Fruit Loops. He then searched the enormous pile of unwashed dishes for a semi-clean spoon, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. He had a pop tart instead.

Man Gets Rid of Skunks with Bucket of Paint, Ladder

If you're having a skunk problem this summer, take a lesson from Dwight Jenkins. When he caught a skunk sneaking around his store, the shop owner cleverly set a bucket of white paint atop a ladder. After waiting a few moments, a black tomcat knocked the ladder over, spilling a white stripe across her back. All Jenkins had to do next was "let nature run its course."

Local Car Making a Ka-Chung Sound

Marisa Greene, of Peebles, described her car as making a "Ka-Chung" sound to an area mechanic Monday. The mechanic then asked if the sound was more like a "Ka-Ping-Ka-Ping." Greene then stated that she was certain it was "definitely more like a Ka-Chung," but he was welcome to drive it to make sure.

Little Brother Keeps Hitting Himself, Hitting Himself

Area little brother Dylan Bendis, 6, hit himself for five solid minutes yesterday, for reasons unknown even to him. "I don't know why I kept doing it," stated Bendis, "I just couldn't stop hitting myself, hitting myself." "I was really worried about the little guy," said Dylan's older brother, Mike. Mike stated that he sat on top of the younger Bendis, asking him, fervidly, why he kept hitting himself, hitting himself. Afterwards he was offered two "wet willies" and a complementary wedgie.

Local Man Announces Plans to Beat Wife

Steven Roush, a local aeronautics engineer, has formally proclaimed his intentions to smack his wife around, at his earliest convenience. He told patrons at the American Legion Tavern that, "Peggy's spending all my damn money," and that she "will spoil the boy till she turns him into a faggot." Though he declined to give specifics of the pending thrashing, he did make a show of smacking his fist into his open palm. Roush further added that he makes over one hundred grand a year, and doesn't have to take her shit.

Contact Lens Missing

Today marks the fourth consecutive day that a local man’s contact lens has been missing. According to reports, the contact was last seen near the P on the old High School’s gym floor. “I went for a lay up and it just slipped right out,” said Sam Evans, owner of the contact. “We looked all over. But I’m afraid it’s gone forever. I’m starting to get worried.” Please contact The Sheriff’s Office if you have information concerning the contact’s whereabouts.