Look, I'm not trying to be a stick in the mud here.  I'm having a great time!  Guys, I'm really glad we decided to come to Nutty Dolphin Water Park.  Really.  I just don't think Whitewater Canyon is for me.  But I'll catch up with you later.  No, you guys go ahead; that waterslide killed my dad.

No, it's cool; I'll just go down the Poseidon Plunge again.  It's just that, if I went down that other waterslide, I'd just think of my dad.  When I was ten we came to Nutty Dolphin, like, every week.  And he'd always sit in front of me on the mat, and boy would we go fast!  With all his body weight pushing us down, we sure would fly!

Whitewater Canyon was always my favorite, too, because of all the cool tunnels that look like mining caverns.  Well, it used to be my favorite, until one of the wooden timbers came loose and smacked dad's nose up into his skull, killing him instantly.  He fell backwards and smothered me for the rest of the ride down.  No, look, don't feel sorry for me.  The brochure was right about one thing: the ride sure was exciting! 

Yeah.  So.  I'll meet you later at the Octopi Lagoon, okay?  If I'm not there, I'll be at the snack bar, dropping eight dollars on a "Buccaneer Burger."

Why do Buccaneer Burgers have to cost eight dollars?  You'd think they'd put some of that money into ride maintenance.  Or at least give me a discount or something, since a cosmetic decoration on a fiberglass slide snuffed out the life of the man that read me "The Giving Tree" when I went to bed every night.

No, look, it's no big deal.  Lots of people have dead dads.  It just happens that I was pinned underneath mine at the bottom of a waterslide.  Sure, it's taken years of therapy to forget his bloody, shattered face hovering just inches from my own.  And I guess the physical suffocation of nearly drowning might have had some deeper psychological effect on me.

I guess I didn't talk for like a year after that.  And even though they have me on all kinds of medication, I still have night terrors.  But even after all that, I still enjoy a trip to good old Nutty Dolphin.   

So yeah, if you want to go down it, be my guest.  Nutty Dolphin offers many fun, non-murdering activities we can enjoy together later.  You know what would be fun!  Later on we should go watch the Concert in Manatee Park, when Nutty Dolphin and the Barracuda Bunch rock it out!  I know they're just guys in stupid animal suits, but my dad used to take me, and you know.  I remember holding a sparkler, sitting on his shoulders, and cheering. 

If you need me, I'll be by the Pony Pool, crying under a waterfall tree.  Oh, and if you see my father's ghost on that slide, tell him I don't resent him for dying anymore.