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John F. Kennedy
"Ryan once made me laugh so hard, I blew milk out of the hole in my head."
J. Edgar Hoover
"I've got pictures of Ryan slow dancing with a man--but I'll never show them. As long as he doesn't make any wisecracks
about me, like calling me a closeted, cross-dressing megalomaniac who littered history with his sins and ruined lives. Yup,
as long as he doesn't say anything like that these pictures are staying in my spank album."
Neil Armstrong
"Ryan and I are both from Ohio. I still live there, but he lives in New York City. Think you're better than
me, Arey? Well guess what? I was the first man on the moon. The only thing you've ever been first on was
desperate fat chicks."
Gavrilo Princip
Ryan is so funny, and a very good writer.
You know who I am, don't you? In 1914
I assassinated Franz Ferdinand. No, not the band, the Archduke of Austria. What? I'm WAY more awesome than
John Wilkes Booth. He started President's Day; I started World War 1!
No, World War 1 was a very big deal! Hitler? FUCK Hitler! I MADE Hitler! If it wasn't for me
that pansy-ass vegan would be painting shit chariactures for rich Americans on the Riviera.
Frozen Head Hitler
First of all, I was a
very good painter. I seriously think that, had I not went into dictatorshipping, I eventually would have broken through
as a painter. Have you looked up my work? I was influenced heavily by the great realists of my time. I may
not have had the originality of Picasso (fucking Jew) but compared for the interpretive schlock that passes for "modern" art
these days, I was quite good. I think history will ultimately remember me as a very gifted painter.
And for Jew-killing,
Ted Williams
Why the hell you asking me about Ryan? Who the hell's that? Look, my kid froze my head and I'm in the same
cooler as Hitler. I'm not in no conspiracy for anything, I'm just an old ballplayer. Leave me alone.
Hey wait, before you go...anyone hit .400 lately? No?
Fuckin' a.
Elvis Presely
Look this is getting old. I'm dead. Get over it. No one gives a shit.
Elvis' Alien
Baby
Hey there baby, how
you doing? Ryan, you're so funny, I'm gonna buy you a Space-Cadillac. Then I'm going to pass through an ovipositer
in your throat and hatch from your chest. Hail to the Tiny Alien King, baby.
Evil Twin Gandhi
Rape the smallest animals you can find!
Snuggle Bear
I love Ryan! I love Snuggly-soft clothes, too! I met Ryan years ago, when he was in first grade. Ryan
had an Oscar the Grouch puppet, and that puppet had a cute little crush on me! At the time I was the puppet of a little
girl that Ryan had a crush on! Isn't that cute? Ryan's puppet had a crush on me because I was a puppet that belonged
to Ryan's first crush!
Actually, that's kind of weird. Transferring emotions onto inanimate
objects rendered to take on the likeness of human beings is a poor way to cope with your feelings. If you have feelings
for someone, just say so. Don't hide behind a fucking puppet. Stop making your puppet kiss me in class and tell
this girl with her hand up my ass how you feel.
Sure, you may be embarrassed, but at least
you tried. And it'll be easier the next time. I promise.
Madeline Albright
"I never found Ryan particularly funny, but I will say that he was a tender, eager, and responsive lover."
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