WOMAN
Have you ever eaten here before?

MAN
No, but I hear the service is first rate.

WOMAN
Yeah, I hear they take really good care of you. 

The two of them take a seat.  They spend a few beats looking around, patiently.

MAN
You know they wouldn't let me give blood the other day?

WOMAN
Why not?

MAN
They asked me if I had any tattoos and I said yes, and they said, "Then we can't take your blood."
WOMAN
What does that have to do with anything?

MAN
So I was thinking..."Fine!  If you don't want my blood to save lives, I'll keep it."

WOMAN
See, I can't give blood.  I went and she tried to get me to bleed like seven times, and I just don't bleed.  Tears were shooting out of my eyes and she said I'd have to come back tomorrow.  So I said no that's it.

The Eager-To-Please Waiter comes to the table.

WAITER
Hello, sorry about the long wait.  My name is Jesus, I'll be your waiter.  What can I get you to drink?

WOMAN
Coke.

WAITER
Is Pepsi okay?

WOMAN
That's fine.

MAN
I'll have a Coke.

WAITER
Is Pepsi okay?

MAN
That's fine.

The Waiter scurries off.

MAN (CONTD)
See, I also thought that I could go to a sperm bank, but they told me they couldn't take my sperm.

WOMAN
Because of your tatoo?

MAN
No, my hepatitis.

WOMAN
I once thought I had hepatitis, because it hurt when I peed.  But the doctor said I just drank too much soda.

MAN
Soda?  I call it pop.  I have ever since I was a little kid, growing up in a shanty  Did I ever tell you I watched my baby brother die in an alley?

WOMAN
I love soda.  I still drink like, nine cans a day.

The Waiter returns.

WAITER
Hello, I'm back.  Sorry it took so long.

Immediately, the woman picks up her soda and starts to guzzle it down.

WAITER (CONTD)
Are you ready to order yet? 

The Waiter and the Man stop to watch her guzzle the pop.

MAN
I think I'll have an omelette.

WOMAN
Ill have another Coke.

WAITER
Is Pepsi okay?

WOMAN
That's fine.
(to Man)
I still can't tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi.  I guess it's because my father molested me.

MAN
I always wanted to hang-gliding when I was a kid.

The Waiter returns with a plate and another glass of pop.

WAITER
Here you are sir...madam.

WOMAN
My mother could have stopped him.

MAN
I think my favorite Muppet was Gonzo.

WAITER
Excuse me.  I'm sorry to interrupt.  But I just wanted to tell you both how much of a pleasure it is to serve you tonight.

WOMAN
Oh, why thank you.  That's nice.

 

WAITER
I see so many people come and go through here, all walks of humanity.  After awhile it seems as though everyone shares the same face.  A big, huge creepy face.  The face of humanity. 

MAN
Or maybe the Swedish chef.  "Hurt a fraf a noogin."

WOMAN
I still have nightmares about the night I walked in on my parents having sex.

WAITER
And I just wanted to say that the two of you are different.  I like you.  Damn it, I'd even say that I love you.  Is that okay?  To say that I love you?  Sometimes I think we've forgotten how to love.

MAN
Im thinking about putting racing stripes on my car.

WAITER
I love you both so much I"d do anything for you.  And I don't just mean getting you drinks and bringing you meals for a fifteen percent tip.  No, I mean I would gladly lay down my life for you two.

WOMAN
I woke up this morning curled underneath the Christmas tree in a stranger's house.

MAN
Ever notice that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants? 

The Waiter pulls out a sword and kneels before them.

WAITER
I offer you both my sword.  I will spend my entire life protecting you and the members of your household.  I am your humble servant.

MAN
I bite the heads off Flintstones vitamins before I eat them.  I like to torture them.

WOMAN
I spend every waking moment of my day craving cocaine.

WAITER
Neither of you will ever want for anything again.  My soul belongs to you.

He draws a dagger and slices up his hand.  Blood oozes out as he squeezes his fist closed.

WAITER (CONTD)
I swear it by my own blood.

MAN
You think the people who make the Flintstones cartoons make any money off those vitamins?

WOMAN
Im going to buy a .45 and shoot Renaldo right between his eyes!  No man owns me!

WAITER
God this is a lot of blood.  Think I may have hit a vein.

MAN
It would be so cool if I had the power of flight. 

The Waiter passes out behind them.

The Woman starts sobbing, angrily.

The Man puts his hands out like an airplane and starts making airplane noises.
A waitress walks by the scene and, puzzled, approaches the short order cook.
WAITRESS
Hey Freddy.  What's going on at table seven?

FREDDY
Oh, that?  That's nothing.  Just that sad cycle of humanity, spinning round again in microcosm.