HOST
Welcome back to Health Watch.  We have here with us Dr. Potter, a noted
(struggles with word)
"op-tem-ologarchist."

DR. POTTER
That's "optometrist."

HOST
Right!  Sorry.  Dr. Potter, noted octpusologist is here today, and--

DR. POTTER
That's--

HOST
Yes!

DR. POTTER
Never mind.

HOST
Tell me Dr. Potter, what sort of work does an ornithologist do?

DR. POTTER
Well, an ornithologist studies birds.  I am an optometrist, an eye doctor.

HOST
You study bird's eyes then?  Wonderful.  So we'll be taking calls from birds only, please.  We have our first caller?

We hear the caller's voice but do not see her.

CALLER ONE
(a woman)
Hello, Dr. Potter?

HOST
Yes.

CALLER ONE
Lately, I've been having a lot of red eyes, irritation.  And I've tried a lot of eye drops but none seem to help.  What's the best eye drops I can buy?

DR. POTTER
Well, the ancient Egyptians used urine as an eye drop.

CALLER ONE
Oh my goodness.

DR. POTTER
But I don't expect you to take it that far.  Your red eyes are only a symptom of something else that's wrong.  Sinuses or allergies.  You may want to see an allergist.

CALLER ONE
Thank you very much, doctor.

HOST
Excuse me, caller?

CALLER ONE
Yes?

HOST
I couldnt quite place your accent.  What sort of bird are you?  I would guess either a finch or a macaw.

CALLER ONE
I'm not a bird.

HOST
Really!  Well then I'd like to take a moment to remind the audience that Dr. Potter is an octagonnissist.  The doctor only studies the eyes of birds.  So please, only birds from now on.  Next caller.

The second caller, a young man, is on the line.

CALLER TWO
Hello Doctor Potter.

DR. POTTER
Hello caller, whats your question?

CALLER TWO
It's about my vision, doctor.  My mother always told me that if I continued to masturbate, I'd go blind.  Now, Im an avid masturbator, and I was worried that I might impair my vision.

DR. POTTER
(serious)
I've never heard of any connection between masturbation and blindness.  However, looking at the sun for prolonged periods of time would have an adverse effect on your vision.  Wear sunglasses when you go out of doors.

HOST
Or when you masturbate. 

CALLER TWO
Thank you.

HOST
I understand we have a new caller now.

CALLER THREE
Hello Dr. Potter.

HOST
Caller, are you a bird?

CALLER THREE
Am I?  No...

The host pushes a button and we hear a DIAL TONE.

HOST
Thank you then goodbye.  Next caller.

CALLER FOUR
Hello Doctor.

HOST
Caller, are you a bird?

CALLER FOUR
Yes.  I am a swallow.

HOST
A swallow?  Excellent!  Proceed.

CALLER FOUR
Doctor, I was just reading the Bible...

HOST
Bible?  Ah yes, the one about Jesus. 

CALLER FOUR
...and I was reading the book of Acts.

HOST
Wait.  Which book were you reading?  Acts, or the Bible?

CALLER FOUR
Both.

HOST
Well, arent you the talent?  Proceed.

CALLER FOUR
And in chapter nine, Saul was persecuting the Christians when God struck him blind outside of Damascus.  Now, I spend a great deal of time persecuting Christians, and I was wondering if God would strike me blind for it.  And, if so, has medical science proceeded to such a point that it can negate an act of the Almighty God?

DR. POTTER
Well, certainly laser surgery presents a number of options that weren't available even five years ago.  You really need to ask a specialist about that sort of thing.  If all else fails, just accept Jesus and God will drop the scales from your eyes.

CALLER FOUR
Thank you, doctor.

HOST
You know doctor, you wouldn't think a swallow to be the type to persecute a Christian.  An albatross, maybe.  But swallows seem so docile.  Are they docile in your experience?

DR. POTTER
Can we take another call?

HOST
Certainly.  Go ahead, caller.

CALLER FIVE
Hello doctor.  I'm afraid I may have impaired my vision.

DR. POTTER
Oh dear.  Go ahead.

CALLER FIVE
Well, earlier tonight some friends and I were messing around with some PCP.  We ended up jabbing each other in the eyes with box cutters.  I don't really have eyes anymore, just hollow ocular cavities with a few fleshy membranes flapping around.  Everything is dark and Im very wet.

DR. POTTER
Oh dear.  If you're seeing all black then chances are you've damaged the cone cells.  The cones perceive color and give you a clearer picture of objects you study closely.  Once the cone cells are diminished, they cant be replaced.  I'm sorry, but you may be permanently colorblind.

CALLER FIVE
Well darn it.

DR. POTTER
I know.  But hey, Lassie was colorblind, and look how she made out.

HOST
Where does a bird get a hold of PCP?

DR. POTTER
Drug dealers. 

HOST
That's all the time we have, join us next time on Health Watch.  Bird drug dealers, or....