Confessions of a Potato Chip Junkie Dear Sir or Madam:   Recently, I heard of the contest being held by the Ohio Department of Agriculture, celebrating the potato chip's 150th year.  While the opportunity to win a lifetime supply seems attractive...

That's the Bee That Stung Me! Last week, your paper published a front-page photo of a wild honeybee hive on Spurgeon Hill Road.  My compliments to the photographer; it is a very nice shot.   However, when I saw the photo, I gasped out loud.  You see, I recognized one of the bees immediately, because it stung me...

Dear Condoleeza, Please Come to My Pizza Party Dear Dr. Rice,   Congratulations on your new job as Secretary of State!  I think it’s a great honor you’ve earned.  You’re one of the greatest National Security Advisers ever, and you’ll do...

Are There Other Uses for the Big Game Cooler Bag? Dear Bass Pro Shop,   I was just perusing the latest issue of your catalog.  A first rate publication.  Young men like myself, living alone in my early thirties, are always grateful for...

Your Video Store's Lack of Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd Offends Me I am a frequent customer of your video store, Dollar Town.  Though the service at this establishment is first rate, and your burgeoning DVD collection gains strength weekly, I have a grievance with your video selection.

Opossum's Should Tend to Their Own Dead Editor,   Have you noticed an excess of possum road kill on our highways this spring?  I have too!  This is because the opossum's...

Prepping Your Kids for Hardship, Pain We take field trips to Brush Creek, where we test the pH levels of the water, and we've also visited Lynx Prairie to learn about the rare and beautiful plants that have been there since the Ice Age.  But I guess what the kids enjoy most is when we go into the woods with our rifles and blow shit away.

Johnny Appleseed vs. Hugo Lemontree Dear Mr. Leonard, I was pleased to hear about your community's Ohio Bicentennial celebration.  Having people dress up as prominent Ohioans from the past, like Johnny "Appleseed" Chapman, is a fun idea!  Chapman was a folk hero...

Santa Claus's Lonely Letter Dear Ryan,   Well, the Christmas season is passed, and the seemingly endless flow of letters to the North Pole has finally stopped.  For the past two months...

Maddux's Lunch Box Stolen ATLANTA, Ga--Atlanta starter Greg Maddux's lunch box was stolen from his locker Friday, following his perfect game...

Tigers Say Fuck It DETROIT, Mich.--Major League Baseball won't have the Detroit Tigers to kick around anymore.  Yesterday, the frustrated ball club released this statement: "fuck it."  The "it" being fucked...

Randy Johnson to Stay Ugly This Season PHOENIX, Az--According to their front office, Diamondbacks starter Randy Johnson, 39, will remain an ugly bastard this season. A spokesman...

Expos Move to Narnia NARNIA--The Montreal Expos are homeless no more.  Major League Baseball has announced that the team will be moving to the magical land of Narnia, from the popular book series by C.S. Lewis...

The Journal of the Complex Cluster of Amino Proteins Jan. 1: 4,892,342, 569 BC Hello, I am a primitive organism.  Many people are under the misconception that I am a single-celled organism, but they are in error.  I am composed of...

Mr. Davis, Your Students Cut My Face a Little Dear Mister Davis,   I heard your father-in-law died.  I'm sorry.  Perhaps by the time you read this, some of that grief will be alleviated.  This is my first day substitute teaching, but I'm confident...

Mutant Personal Ads It Seeking It Asexual Larva Creature seeking reproductive encounter with asexual creature to mutually...

Time Stopped for Ira Bader Ira Bader was like most heroes.  At first glance, he wasn't much.  But when met with adversity, he responded with such biting fierceness that the children of Peebles Elementary School, now adults, can scarcely mention his name without bated breath.

The Rain Twins When I was in tenth grade I took a health and fitness class.  Stretching and jogging and badminton, no classroom.  Our teacher changed his clothes and worked out with us.  One day he wore a tee shirt that read “No Fat Chicks.”  Even though I wasn’t a fat chick yet, my feelings were hurt.

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