Dear Adams County Hospital,

Recently, I received the good news that I am pregnant.  This is a great blessing for me, my family, and my church.  Although I am excited, I am also worried that I may not find a hospital suitable to my particular needs.  I should tell you, right off, that my pregnancy is unique and I require special care.  I'm sure your maternity wards facilities are stellar, but can you deliver Jehovah God's baby?

Many have been nay saying me, but I am certain that I am pregnant with Jehovah God's baby.  I won't go into the details in this letter, but I will say that I know it to be true.  How I know, and which angel of the Lord told me, are private details.  Suffice it to say that I will obviously need special accommodations when I deliver the Light of Heaven into this world.

First, I will need ample security in the delivery room.  The young Savior will be in His most vulnerable form, and thus prey to all manner of imps and demons.  There are also many government agencies, like the ACLU, that would not want the Holy Scion of God's Grace to be born.  We must protect ourselves from them at all costs.     

The doctor who delivers the Child must not be a sinner.  He must be sanctified, and a member of the Constantine Holy Men's Council.  My labia majora is no longer a mere fleshy membrane; it is the Gateway of Earth that our Lord will penetrate as He enters the world of Men.  No doctor's hands may touch my Sacred Cervix until they are washed clean by the blood of Christ. 

I have never borne the child of the Lord before, and thus am not certain what will precisely transpire.  I, nor my pastor, can say if the Baby will radiate a blindingly holy light when He emerges from my womb.  Also, an Angel of the Lord may appear, so prepare your people beforehand so they won't immediately fall before God and weep.  This may not be an issue, as He may choose to emerge clothed only in my earthly placenta, weeping as a humble babe. 

Make sure they know that the first time you see an Angel of the Lord can be pretty scary.  You're not sure if it really is God, or if it's the pain pills, or if you're actually watching some kind of memory you had once that's kind of on a movie screen but probably isn't because it's not after midnight yet and the fish tank light is off.  Still, I'm sure your staff will do fine. 

And finally, this is a small point, but I feel I should ask.  Would you object if our Women's Council brought one or two aquariums of snakes into the delivery room?  Nothing poisonous, just a few serpents to channel God's power.  If this is a problem, we could keep the snakes in the waiting area. 

Please reply as soon as possible.  I am contacting many hospitals in the area, and most seem eager to be the birthplace of the New Messiah.

Thank you,

Arial Ryan