DETROIT, Mich.--Major League Baseball won't have the Detroit Tigers to kick around anymore.  Yesterday, the frustrated ball club released this statement: "fuck it."

 

The "it" being fucked in question is the 2003 baseball season.  The Tigers are off to a horrendous start, posting a shitty 1-16 record.  Now they've decided to call it quits, less than 30 days into the season.

 

The city of Detroit breathes a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness," said former Tigers fan Mitch Walburn, of Detroit, "I'm glad they decided to pull out early.  The thought of seeing this team try to play a whole seasonit would have been embarrassing."

 

The Tigers will forfeit their remaining 138 games this season. 

 

The decision to "fuck it" was a multi-lateral decision, reached by Tigers owners, management, players, grounds crew, and concession workers after a ten-minute meeting in the locker room.  The team's owner, Mike Illitch, thought it was important to involve everyone.  It wasn't an easy choice to make.  "It had been such a stressful month, and we were in the office trying to figure out how to work ourselves out of this hole.  Then finally, (Tigers GM) David Dombrowski threw his arms up and said, 'Fuck it!'  That sounded good to me." 

 

The concession workers and grounds crew, though now out of a job, all agreed.  "It just didnt seem worth it," a spokesman stated, "Nobody was having a good time, and we really didn't give a shit if the field was clean or if the hot dogs had salmonella or not.  We're all better off this way." 

 

The players were relieved by the decision as well.  Ramon Santiago, who led the club with a .240 batting average, looked forward to having a free summer.  "Now I can go fishing, or just sit on the porch.  I have MLB 2004 on the Play Station 2, so I can build a really kick ass Tigers team on there if I want.  But I probably won't bother." 

 

Will Detroit continue to say fuck it next season?  They're keeping their options open.  "We'll just have to wait and see," said Illitch.  "Next March, I'll call everyone up, and see if they feel like trying it again.  We might, if everyone's not busy."

 

Said Walburn, "I guess Detroit's just going to have to find something else to bitch about this summer.  You know, we haven't had a good race riot in a while."