PEEBLES, Ohio--The world of Fantasy Baseball is in upheaval today, after the surprise announcement that Derek Jeter is a stupid fucking cock, god dammit. 

 

According to a statement issued by the Fools, Derek Jeter is a piece of shit that can go fuck himself.  This was in reference to Jeter's opening day shoulder dislocation, a season-ending injury. 

Beer Drinking Fools owner Terry "Nitro" Davis could not believe his fucking eyes when he saw Sportscenter, the report stated. He reportedly yelled at the television and announced that the All-Star shortstop was a "dumb ass piece of shit."    

 

The injury is the most devastating blow to pretend sports since pitcher Daryl Kile's death a year ago.  Kile also played for the Drinking Fools.  "Don't even get me started on that stupid fuck," said the Fools' management, "he was having a career year before he up and died on me."     

 

At least, Nitro said, he had the good sense not to draft Ken Griffey Jr. again this year.   

 

Jeter was apparently Nitro's first round fantasy draft pick, a sure .300 average and 30 homeruns in the infield.  He paid over $30 for the player, a significant chunk of the $190 salary cap. 

 

"What a cocksucker," Nitro commented to the press.  "I'm trying to put together a winning team here, and it pisses me off when the star of the show doesn't do his part and screws it up for everybody."

 

The Beer Drinking Fools face an uphill battle the rest of the season.  They are in the make-believe sports league's toughest division.  Said Nitro: "I'll never be able to compete with the other teams.  'Cue Ball's Shit Kickers,' and 'Mule's Osama Busters' are gonna roll right over us.  Fucking pansy ass shortstop."

Derek Jeter couldn't be reached for comment.