PHOENIX, Az--According to their front office, Diamondbacks starter Randy Johnson, 39, will remain an ugly bastard this
season. A spokesman for the club said that Johnson has had a long, prosperous career as an ugly son of a bitch, and there's
no sign he's getting pretty any time soon.
"We're proud to have a pitcher of Johnson's caliber," said GM Bruce Budokan, "who can not only strike out 18 batters
a night, but also looks like a five pound turd shoved into Peter Boyle's gym sock."
The Big Unit of 2003 hasn't looked as spry as in past years, getting hammered in his first start this season. Despite the poor opening, D-Back fans can be assured that the six foot nine monstrosity
will continue to maintain the quality of ugly he has upheld over the years.
Said teammate Curt Schilling: "This revolting bastard is sitting on last year's Cy Young. And man, he looks like a turd shoved in Pete Rose's gym sock. Jesus." 
