Friends Doing Well Ryan received the good news this week that several of his old friends are doing very well in life, and achieving dreams similar to his own.  Two of his friends from college (who are really more acquaintances at best) are having a pilot produced for their sketch comedy show...

Diplomacy Solves Roommate Conflicts Ryan paid a visit to Peter Cornfield’s room this week, and immediately informed his roommate that his room smelled.  “Hey Pete, you want to get some pizza?  Geez, your room...

Ryan Weds Jew Boca Raton, FL-Last night at the Funky Buddha Lounge Ryan proposed to, and married, a Jew that he had been seeing for several weeks...

Ohio a Barren Tundra Ryan recently returned from a journey to the far off land of Ohio, a place so barren and desolate “it flaunts the notion of a loving God,” according to Ryan.  The frozen wastelands...

Successful Bowel Movement Achieved Coral Springs, FL--Just moments ago, team Ryan Arey just put together a first-rate bowel-movement.  The BM occurred on January 11th between 9:37 and 9:42 am, EST.  Ryan's anus issued the following statement:

Small Wonder Coming Out on DVD Ryan recently heard that the short-lived 80s sitcom “Small Wonder,” about a family’s robot daughter, will be released on DVD sometime in the next little while...

Study: STD Test Not Worth It According to your Financing Division, testing your body for sexually diseases is not financially feasible.  Sources say...

Desperate Mix CD Fails to Save Relationship PEEBLES, Ohio--To paraphrase Mick Jagger, Some girls are worth hanging onto. Facing the imminent doom of his one-month relationship...

Yahtzee Achieved Peebles, OH – Ryan Arey achieved a Yahtzee last night at approximately 9:43 pm.  According to sources at the scene, “Yahtzee!  How...

Ryan Secures Enough Friends' Votes to See Fantastic Mr. Fox After 10 minutes of intense, closed-door negotiations, Ryan finally persuaded enough friends to see the movie “Fantastic Mr. Fox.”  Initially the group of five friends...

Awesome Rack Discovered Twenty minutes ago at the McDonald's off Route 90, and awesome rack was...

Fall Guy New on DVD That one show, the Fall Guy, has been released on DVD sometime not too long ago. It has that guy who was...

Orchid Club to Meet, Gossip, This Weekend The first meting of the Meigs Township Orchid Club will meet, and gossip, this weekend.  Members will be invited to speak about...

Terrifying Smile Seeks Office On Thursday, November 20, West Union Attorney Danny Bubp announced that his utterly frightening smile is a candidate for the 88th District State...

Patient's Family Suspects Oncologist Has Turrets Binghamton, NY--After six months of struggle, Sarah Davidson has finally won the battle of her life against breast cancer. This Friday...

Maddux's Lunch Box Stolen ATLANTA, Ga--Atlanta starter Greg Maddux's lunch box was stolen from his locker Friday, following his perfect game...

Tigers Say Fuck It DETROIT, Mich.--Major League Baseball won't have the Detroit Tigers to kick around anymore.  Yesterday, the frustrated ball club released this statement: "fuck it."  The "it" being fucked...

Expos Move to Narnia NARNIA--The Montreal Expos are homeless no more.  Major League Baseball has announced that the team will be moving to the magical land of Narnia, from the popular book series by C.S. Lewis...

Yankees Sign Christ NEW YORK--The New York Yankees added to their already loaded lineup Wednesday, as they announced the free agent signing of Jesus of Nazareth, whom some call the Christ, to a 100 year, multi-million...

Big Unit Gets Some ATLANTA—Last Tuesday Randy Johnson became the oldest player to pitch a perfect game, cementing his place n the history books.  Later that night, the Big Unit capped off his perfect evening by making violent love to a waitress from TGI Friday’s...

Randy Johnson Will Remain Ugly this Season PHOENIX, Az--According to their front office, Diamondbacks starter Randy Johnson, 39, will remain an ugly bastard this season. A spokesman for the club said that Johnson has had a long, prosperous career as an ugly son of a bitch, and there's no sign he's getting pretty any time soon.

Griffey Pregnant