Dear Sir or Madam,

 

I am Ryan Arey: a sophomore at Bennington High School, where me and my fellow Honor Roll chums are daily persecuted by jocks.  My cohorts and I cannot hold so much as a lunchtime Babylon Five Fan Force meeting without their disruptions and public embarrassments.  By appearances, I live under the brutal whip of apes with a fraction of my intelligence.  In fact, this is but a facade.  The truth is, I belong to an elite sect, "The 98 Percent Attendance Club," and this school is clay in our oily, medicated palms.  

  

The 98 Percent Club is an select group of students with exceptional attendance records--we only miss one day each grading period!  Because of the shingles, I didn't make the cut last term.  But now I'm back in, and ready to rejoin my shadowy, conspiratorial cohorts. 

 

One of our members' many exotic privileges is the right to wear a '98 Percent Club tee shirt.  One hundred percent cotton.  You can't get any more cotton than that: these shirts are thoroughbreds.  Much as the Roman emperors garbed themselves in the finest purple African silks, so my wrappings set me apart from the lower classes of grunting, sweating gorillas that think they rule this school.

 

But our garments aren't the only benefits.  All members are excused from eighth period--that's right, excused--so we that may attend the "Respect and Responsibility Assembly."  During this dark, secret ritual, the names of every 98 Percenter are placed within a container, and then fifty names are selected to determine the door prize winners.  Principal Davis himself is present to announce each winner.  Among those prizes: soft drinks, candy bars, and a DVD player.  I dont even need a DVD player because my iMac has a DVD-ROM with a plasma monitor.  So if I won the free DVD player, I'd probably just sell it on ebay.  Such is my power.

 

Then, after all that business, they dim the lights and we have a rocking 98 Percenters Ball.  No extravagance is spared for this lavish affair.  Mr. Henderson, our Algebra teacher, brings in his awesome CD collection and plays "The Locomotion," "The Electric Slide," and "YMCA."  Mr. Henderson may be kind of stiff in class, but when he turns his hat backwards, he really cuts loose. 

 

Even teachers kowtow to 98 Percenters.  When they need something rushed to the office, do they pick the slimy dreg in the back who's going to sneak off to the bathroom to smoke his marijuana cigarette?  I don't think so! 

 

98 Percenters are the true masters of this school.  Over half the Student Council is a member of our Order, as well as the presidents of several school clubs, including the Debate Team, Quiz Bowl, Chess Squad, Math Squad, AV Club, Drama Club, and of course--National Honor Society.  Yes, my friends, we're pulling the strings behind every theatre of power.  But you wont read about us in the press.  Let's just say that the editor-in-chief of a certain school paper doesn't miss class too often.  Get my drift? 

 

Oh yes, it may appear that the simian hordes of football players rule the school, but I can assure you, this is a well-crafted facade.  We allow them the illusion of control, because it amuses us so.  Little do they suspect that they live within an Orwellian nightmare of our design!  Ha ha ha! 

 

To paraphrase the Sith Lord, Emperor Palpatine, our combined might will crush their insignificant little band.  Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.

 

Sincerely,

Ryan Arey