Cowardly Benjamin Mace

Everybody gather here and listen

To a tale of courage learned

About a man named Benjamin Mace

His place in legend well deserved

He was an unremarkable man

With an unremarkable face

Hard thick glasses and shiny baldhead

Were the trademarks of Benjamin Mace

Now this unremarkable man

Was driving the bustling byways

When something queer began to happen

Out on that American highway

The cars before him veered

Laying rubber with a roar

There must be something horrible ahead

That no one had seen before

Benjamin Mace was puzzled

Why had they turned around?

And all at once he heard it

It made an awful sound

"Gaaarl!" was the beast's roar

And that's just what it's called

The evil Gaaarl that loves to eat

Unremarkable men that are bald

The Gaaarl was at least 50 feet tall

And every stretch of it was slime, hair, teeth, and claw

One big eye of polished yellow and red

For every one of its eight giant heads

Humans screamed!

And ran with pitter-pattering feet

The Gaaarl slowly lumbered

Its huge body down the street

And it's a well-known fact

That a Gaaarl's belly is never full

Hell eat entire solar systems

And for desert a star or two

(Oh, you dont believe me)

(Have you ever heard of planet Googily-og?)

(No?  Well maybe thats because)

(The Gaaarl ate it all)

The Gaaarl caught sight

Of Ben's shiny bald head

He licked his lips with hungry delight

And so away Ben fled!

He ran as fast as he could

(Which was really just a jog)

The Gaaarl kept right after him

Poor Ben began to sob

The chase stopped traffic on the highway

(The drivers thought that most rude)

Ben was running for survival

The Gaaarl was running for food

Across the country they chased

At a nice, steady pace

But there's no doubt it was a race

To the Gaaarl and Benjamin Mace

Ben ran across Ohio

And the land of Texas beef

Suddenly he doubled back

To the White House, hailed the Chief

He pleaded to the President

"Send in the Army, or the Marines"

He said, "I'd love to help you son

"But you're keeping him from eating me."

He ran to Miami, Florida

To the plains of Idaho

But no matter where he ran

The Gaaarl was always in tow

And in every town he ran through

Across the USA

The people lined the streets

Cheering him all the way

"Don't you ever stop running Ben!

"Or else the planet's screwed!"

Ben only wanted to rest, but

Still he pressed, under sun and moon

Up the mountains, down the canyons

Through the woodland timbers

Over lakes and over ponds

Across the mighty rivers

Finally came to the waters

Of California Pacific blue

Then a sad sense of destiny

Told him what to do

He ran over the beach

His poor shoes were tattered rags

His guts had burst inside

And his eyes were sunken bags

He ran into the waters

Their icy coolness bittersweet

The Gaaarl followed and they vanished

Silently, into the deep

Neither was seen again

We just have to speculate

What happened to the beast

And the man that shared his fate

On that very spot there is a statue

With a most familiar, unremarkable face

And a plaque that reads:

"We shall never forget the sacrifice