Most folks think the opposable thumb is the body part that makes man a superior animal.  I say, these honorable persons are mistaken.  Look lower to see the key to mans evolution; gaze upon your big toe.  The big toe gives our legs balance.  It allows us to rise, to see farther ahead, to grasp rocks and bones and use them as the rudimentary tools that will one day become electric guitars and jets and Macintoshes.  With our big toe here to balance us, our hands are free to search and explore, and we can develop our opposable thumbs.  Praise thine toe.

You have to be careful clipping your went to market toenail.  You can cut away much more nail than you should.  There's a lot of dead nail there you can lose, but cut away too much and the nail will scrape across the sensitive nail-skin when it grows back.  Few things are more dangerous to a pleasant day than a smarting toe.           

I never call it my "Big Toe," as it's unworthy of the name.  At some point in the game, during a pubescent rest, I suppose, my second toe shot past my big toe.  My big toe still allows me balance and the ability to walk about and grasp objects, but in length it plays second banana to the second toe, the Emperor Toe.  My big toe is now called simply, "The One That Went to Market."  It's just as well; the First Toe was under a lot of political pressure for failing to alleviate the corns and athletes foot that plagued my tootsies.  Since taking power, Emperor Toe has brought much-needed order.  He has slaughtered all fungus and imprisoned corns.

After the other went to market, Emperor Toe stayed home to watch over the house and make sure the third got roast beef and the fourth got none.  And what about that cryptic fifth toe, the piggy that cried "Wee, wee, wee," all the way home?  Why was this toe away from home?  Its obviously the youngest member of the family, the baby toe, the cute toe, the toe that weeps on its way home.  Was it piggy-knapped?  Did it wander off?  Did it get so far, and then miss its home and run back?  Why did it run away, and what ultimately draws it home?

I've had a lot of tension on my right foot for a few months now.  Emotions are running high; events are about to develop past anyones control.  With the Number One gone to market, Emperor Toe is taking advantage of his free reign of power.  He's got the middle toe in his pocket by giving him all the roast beef he can handle, leaving the fourth toe hungry and dissatisfied.  Fourth toe would love to overthrow Emperor Toe, but is overwrought with concern for pinky toe, who hasnt been at home for a fortnight.  Late into the morning he hears the cry of "wee-wee-wee" wailing past the hills.

Middle toe has become greedy and now craves power as well as roast beef.  He sees Emperor Toe (or "Lord Toe," as he's called) as a master he no longer cares to cater to.  Middle Toe is tired of Lord Toe's regime.  He wishes to establish his own rule, one where he and he alone may eat the roast beef, without having to share.  "Hey, I work hard for what I have," says Third Piggy, "And I'll be damned if I'm going to give my roast beef up to some piggy thats too lazy to work."  He has garnered the support of Fourth Piggy, who, like most of societys exploited poor, believes whatever damned lies the bourgeois Third Piggy feeds him. 

Captain Toe senses the dissatisfaction, and knows that it is too late to curry the favor of Fourth Piggy.  His thoughts are with the King Toe that abdicated and went to market.  "Perhaps," El Presidente Toe thinks, "I may enlist the aid of Big Toe long enough to crush the rebellion and keep all of the roast beef for myself."

Will class revolution overthrow Lord Toe's reign?  He ponders as he looks toward the hills of the east; toward the path Big Toe took on sojourn to the market.  Late into the witching hour, he hears the cries of Fifth Piggy, weeping into the night.  Its misery pierces the night and strikes at the heart of the lonely ruler, cloaked in the solitude of his Tower.