Dear Lion's Club Members,

I recently attended the town's Old Timer's Day Queen Pageant, and boy was it magnificent!  I compliment you on the splendor of it all.  The  Queen and her Court were ravishing. 

Imagine, the glamour of an entire municipality applauding you, as if to proclaim: "You are very, very pretty!"  I'm sure these young ladies' self esteem shot through the roof.  Congratulations.   

I would also like to compliment the increasing number of skanks on this year's Old Timer's Day Court.  Nominations usually go to pretty, popular teens, but it's nice to see that skanks are finally making some headway.  I counted two skanks in this year's Court, as well as one girl, Brandi Copas, who was sort of on the border.  Don't worry Brandi: if you work hard enough at it, you could be a skank, too.  One suggestion: panther tattoo.  And some Marlboroughs rolled up in a shirtsleeve couldn't hurt, either.

This is a golden age for all of Skankdom.  Soon every grimy, run-down, nasty ho-bag in our town can compete for the Crown.  Yes, someday the daughters of trailer parks will stand alongside their cheerleader counterparts, show equal cleavage, and be welcomed into our hearts, and our fantasies. 

Somewhere there's an eight-year-old girl, smoking in a Laundromat and wearing a tank top, and she too, can dream of wearing that tacky plastic tiara. 

Most Sincerely,