KIM
What's your favorite kind of cereal?

EVAN
I don't know.  Sweet cereal, or healthy cereal?

KIM
Both.

EVAN
I don't know.  Sweet cereal...Cocoa Pebbles.  Healthy...Honey Comb.

KIM
I don't think Honey Comb would be a healthy cereal.  Because of the honey.

EVAN
Then Honey Comb would be my favorite sweet cereal.

KIM
I'd take Count Chocola for mine.  And Cheerios for my healthy.

Another guy, Webster, enters the scene.  He just woke up.

EVAN
Morning Webster.

Webster sits down.

KIM
Hey Webster, whats your favorite cereal?

Webster shrugs an I don't know and pours his cereal.

EVAN
Do you think Honey Comb is a healthy cereal?

He shrugs again.

EVAN (CONTD)
I said Honey Comb for my healthy cereal, but then Kim said that was a sweet cereal.

KIM
Its only healthy if you have to add sugar.  Cheerios was my favorite healthy cereal.

WEBSTER
Honey Nut Cheerios and Apple Cinnamon Cheerios are good.  I don't like the regular.

KIM
I always liked Team Cheerios.  For the Olympics. 

EVAN
Regular Cheerios overpowered the taste too much.

KIM
No, not in Team Cheerios.  Frosted Cheerios dominated that.

EVAN
There were Frosted Cheerios?

WEBSTER
Yeah.  Remember, "This box never closes."  They had little Jodie Sweetin in those commercials.

KIM
Who?

WEBSTER
She was Stephanie on Full House.

EVAN
I hated that show.

WEBSTER
Oh, come on.  Did you ever see the episode where Jesses old girlfriend came back to see him?  And they went to their high school reunion and that really bothered Rebecca because his old girlfriend was a really hot blonde?  And their song was Muskrat Love because that was their song and it was playing the first time they kissed, in an elevator.
KIM
It was a dentist's office.

WEBSTER
Yeah, you're right. 

KIM
I cant believe I remembered it was a dentist's office.  I must have seen like every episode.

A long time of silence passes.  They just eat. 
Lights go down.
Lights come up.  Webster speaks to the audience.

(VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: From here on out, the actors must discourage laughter.  If the audience laughs, the actors must try to make them stop.)  

WEBSTER
Yeah.  That sketch was not funny.  And do you know why?

KIM
Because you don't deserve a funny sketch.

EVAN
(points to the audience)
That's right.  Were talking to you.  The audience.

WEBSTER
You paid two dollars for two hours of solid sketch comedy.  And we're telling you no.

KIM
Because we hate you. 

EVAN
You, the audience, are a vapid vacuous non-entity, unworthy of our efforts.

WEBSTER
Bunch of jerk-offs.  

EVAN
Look at yourself.  The reason you sometimes feel awkward and sexually unappealing, is because you are.

KIM
Go ahead and chase your dreams.  You're going to fail, you always do. 

EVAN
I hope I'm there to watch.

WEBSTER
Bunch of jerk-offs.

EVAN
You want to laugh so you can escape the facts of your empty little lives.  Well suck on this.  

KIM
You know all those tasty Hostess Twinkies you enjoy so much?  They're created by the same chemical process used to make cyanide.

EVAN
Yoko Ono is sleeping alone right now. 

WEBSTER
Because John Lennon is dead.

EVAN
And there is no god.  No heaven.  All that praying youre doing is just a waste of time.  You may as well be talking to Captain Crunch. 

WEBSTER
Someday soon you're going to graduate college and your parents will make you get a job.  Then you'll learn that your degree is worth as much as a cold, dead puppy.

KIM
Nothing you do matters.  The world will be swallowed by the sun in five billion years.  Try stopping that with your 3.9 GPA. 

EVAN
Go ahead and try to find true love.  Just know that sixty-five percent of you, eighty percent of men, will cheat on the person you've promised to be faithful to.

WEBSTER
That means eighty percent of your mothers werent good enough for your dad.   

KIM
We're not telling you all this to depress you. 

EVAN
We just hate you.