Jan. 1: 4,892,342, 569 BC

Hello, I am a primitive organism.  Many people are under the misconception that I am a single-celled organism, but they are in error.  I am composed of varied amino proteins, which will eventually form the complex sequence of human DNA. 

But though I am corporally only composed of the building blocks of intelligent life, I still possess a soul, given to me by God the Father.

You see, even a being like myself that proves the existence of evolution, must kneel before the God whose Existence I have disproved.  Because I am a cluster of proteins does not mean that I cannot be struck down for blasphemy toward Our Lord.

April 28: 4, 883, 452, 763 BC

I would like to call your attention to the nearby grouping of acids that are about to spontaneously burst into life.  Wait for it.  Oh God, it's so slow, I love it.  Tease me baby.  Yeah, that's it.  Crystallize in interlocking structures for me baby, yeah--yeah.  Oh God baby, hell yeah.  God, would you look at those sexy primitive proteins and their metabolic distortions coming to bear in a cohesive acidic structure.  Oh yeah.  I am so turned on.  Oh thats right, come on baby spontaneously burst into life for Daddy.  Oh, sex.  Sex-sex-sex-sex.  Hee-hee!

Oh my Lord in Heaven!  Yes!  Yes!  Life!  Life!  Life-life-life-life!

Whew!  I bet they heard me all over the Pangea.

September 17: 4, 803, 491, 548 BC

Well, there sure are a lot more Complex Amino Proteins around these days.  I remember when there was only like, how many of us--just me.  It's funny that I can remember; even though I dont have a cerebral cortex refined enough to produce cognitive thought.  Then again, how could I be talking to all of you right now?  See, this further proves the existence of intelligent-design.  When liberals are finally created by the Devil, I'll damn them for opposing its teachings in public schools.

When I finally do become a single-celled organism, I hope I don't evolve into a liberal.  When the Tectonic Plates sufficiently shift to create a lesser continental mass, they'll surely undermine the God that gave us all life.  What's with the opposition to capital punishment?  Look around, you Pinko Sons of Bitches, and what do you see?  Its a Complex Protein Cluster-eat-Complex Protein Cluster world.  There are some bad Complex Proteins out there and sometimes you have to thin the herd.  I'm looking around right now, and I'm seeing trillions upon trillions of potential species being chipped away by natural selection.  That's the way of nature.

Speaking of nature, have you noticed that some of the Complex Protein Clusters that are a little darker are getting to be quite uppity lately?  Not that I'm prejudiced or anything, I just wish theyd accept their place.  I mean, clearly the lighter-colored Proteins are superior; we'll evolve into humans while the darker proteins become plankton and snails.  I also don't like it when Complex Protein Clusters sodomize other Complex Protein Clusters.  Perverts. 

And while we're on the subject, lets talk about Jewish Proteins.  If there's one thing that gets my goat, its these Jews.  Moses is billions of years away and they're already swimming around in the primordial ooze, like they're God's chosen Proteins.  Please.  They think they can buy everything, but they can't buy God's love.

July 8: 4, 756, 298, 310 BC

Everybody's talking about Elmer, the first single-celled organism.  I guess its a big evolutionary step for life on Earth, but it's getting a little old.  I mean, it was a little intriguing at first, but people keep making such a big deal about it and they talk like its the beginning of the world.  I mean, aren't single celled organisms a little clichéd already?  If theres one, you just know there's gonna be another, and another, until we're puddle-deep in 'em, and then well have two-celled organisms, and blah-blah-blah.  We have the rest of creation to create energy-absorbing life forms.  Who's in a hurry?

I don't know.  I guess I've been thinking about joining a chain reaction to create a Nucleus composed of primitive DNA.  It's what everyone else seems to be doing.  But what if I begin the chain reaction but then don't want to become part of a larger topic just yet?  I mean, I look forward to evolving into a human being, but I don't think I'm ready yet.  Rather than forfeiting all the cognitive thought I've gained, I'd rather maintain my existence just a while longer.  Hey, that doesn't heed the process of life at all!  Survival instinct, that's the Darwin way.  By maintaining my surroundings as they are, at my most comfortable, I'll forward the cause of Life.

I wonder if other Complex Amino Proteins would be interested in this dogma?  I'll have to be careful not to recruit anyone more complex than me.  I'll ask Dwight.

May 30: 4, 756, 298, 309 BC

 I just don't know about the sun.  It comes off as condescending to me.  It's up there in the sky all the time, and I know its just thinking: "I'm all thats between you and entropy.  Without me you'd spin away into the depths of space."  Screw you, Sun.  You ever think that maybe you're just one of countless googles of stars out there in the infinite and constantly expanding void, and that you are subject to the same laws of physics that govern all existence.  Someday you'll be a punk-ass white dwarf.  Yeah, that's right asshole; you and I are both subservient to the will of the Creator. 

I bet the Sun is one of those Ivy-League intellectual Jerk-Offs that spends eons with other medium-sized stars in coffee shops while Red Giants work their asses off.  They just sit and talk about how God is some internal Lone Ranger Father figure manifested by my latent desires to sodomize my mother.  Up yours, Sun!  I never had a mother!  I'm a Complex Cluster of Amino Proteins, and if you're too elitist to accept my beliefs, then you can just go supernova and end this planets budding existence right now, because humanity won't need to hear your bullshit for the next five thousand millennia.

December 14: 4, 735, 638, 746 BC

I hope the planets atmosphere won't eventually be composed of primarily nitrogen, because that would be a real drag.

March 24: 4, 721, 421, 870 BC

Michael Douglas came by today. 

October 18: 4, 711, 348, 940 BC

I know I'm just the building blocks of life right now, practically non-existent, but I can't wait till we have Post-It notes.  I was just thinking about the complexity of life and thought, and how miraculous it would be if the ooze swimming around me could one day create an industrialized society that advances to a stage where it can mass produce tiny pieces of paper with light adhesive used to remind its people of something they don't wish to forget.  The Post-It note is essentially a tiny scrap of memory that will be produced by the millions someday.  There will be a society that will never want of Post-It notes.  I find this comforting.

February 28: 4, 688, 239, 670 BC

The worst thing about living at the dawn of time is the music.  The music sucks.  All the songs are about the same thing: molten lava cooling into insignias rock.  Same story every time: lava leaves volcano, lava meets atmosphere, atmosphere cools lava, lava becomes continents.  Does anyone write music about laughter?  Love?  Murder, hatred, betrayal?  No, because those things don't exist yet.  Plus, there's no social or political movement behind it all.  Yeah, the Bad Acids covered that Dylan song calling for fungi to coalesce and slowly form the carbon dioxide into oxygen to be conducive to carbon-based life forms, but yeah right!  The System does what it wants, man!  This planet will never be capable of supporting multi-cellular organisms.  You can take that to the primordial bank.     

November 23: 4, 573, 327, 891 BC

Something interesting happened today.  I met a cute little puddle of complex proteins.  Some tectonic plates shifting caused a rockslide threw her into my puddle of ooze.  She's pretty cute; her name is Roberta, she's a Leo.  Some of our molecules have already started to fuse.  She's got just the right amount of hydrogen and iron.  I know I said I didnt want to become anything more complex, but I dont know.  This is different.  I think we may evolve into something of an item.

August 30: 4, 357, 890, 213 BC

Well Roberta and I have all but fused into a single entity now.  I'm with her all the timewe even like the same music.  The best part is, we didn't have to go through all that meeting the in-laws crap, because both of us boiled up from the bowels of the earth.  Oh, got to go--she's tickling my lithium atoms.

August 30: 4, 353, 890, 213 BC

Well it's been a few million years since I wrote to you last, but boy have I been busy!  Remember Roberta?  Well she hasn't left my side, because we bonded, molecularly.  We traveled around, mingling with other oozes, hitting the circuit, ran into some trouble at a truck stop in Saginaw.  We ended up evolving into amoebas, but then we shot right through that phase and became a multi-cellular organism.  We're a sea anomie.