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Dear Sir or Madam:
Recently, I heard of the contest being held by the Ohio Department of Agriculture,
celebrating the potato chip's 150th year. While the opportunity to
win a lifetime supply of potato chips may seem attractive, even amusing, to some, to me it is a very serious, grave game you're
playing.
Allow me to explain. My father's
name is Thomas Arey. He is a potato chip junky.
Every day, since I was a baby, he would come home from work and curl up next to bag of potato chips on the sofa. He ate one bag (Family size!) a night. He
ate all kinds of chips: plain, barbeque, salt and vinegar, Doritos, and occasionally indulged in a cheese curl. Our family owns its own business, so we could afford the chips--money wasn't the problem. But once he stopped snacking in moderation, things got worse.
After the divorce, Dad didnt just satisfy himself with one bag a night. He ate chips continuously: at work, home, or during regular meals. His fingers and face constantly had this salty oily feel to them, and he reeked of artificial flavoring. Sometimes he'd pick us up from school like that.
It was just embarrassing.
Lately, he's been getting worse. We've
been finding tiny bags of chips hidden all over his house. Though he denies it,
I know he's snacking in the bathroom. He turns on the fan and cleans up the mess,
but we can still here the crunching.
He has good days and bad. Were
trying to wean him onto popcorn. Still, news of this contest will shatter his
will. I know that he'll enter once he hears.
YOU MUST NOT ALLOW HIM TO WIN. I know the odds are slim, but if his name
is drawn, I beg of you: burn it. His name is THOMAS AREY. We'll all be better off. He's a shell of a man and I fear
for his health. While many enjoy this popular food item, to my family and me
they are the snack of death.
Sincerely,
Ryan Arey
Two weeks after sending this letter, a representative from the Ohio
Department of Agriculture phoned Ryan Arey. Sincere concern for his father was
expressed, and Mr. Arey was assured that his father's name had been red-flagged, and he would not be eligible.
Four days later, the ODA received another letter, this one smeared
with potato chip oil and crumbs.
Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Thomas Arey, and I owe you an apology. Recently, my son Ryan wasted your time with a silly, immature prank.
Once he heard that you were sponsoring a contest to win a lifetime supply of potato chips, he sent you a letter full
of lies and exaggerations.
In this letter, he claimed I was a "potato chip junky," and that I sneak
off to eat chips in the bathroom, and can't control my consumption of potato chips.
This all ridiculous and untrue. I don't know where my boy gets the ideas,
but one thing is clear: he has too much free time.
I don't believe it is possible, physically or psychologically, to be "addicted"
to potato chips. One may enjoy eating them, or even eat them compulsively, but
the word "addiction" implies an intense dependability, a crutch. I'm sorry, but
I have no addictions. I don't even enjoy potato chips that much; I find them
too salty and crunchy.
Again, I cannot apologize enough for my son's behavior. I only found out because I found a copy of his letter on the computer.
Please forgive us for wasting the state's time.
Oh, and while I'm writing to you anyway, you may as well go ahead and enter
me in the contest. It sounds like fun.
And hey, you never know--I may win.
Thank You,
Thomas Arey
No replies to this letter were received, but Ryan's father didn't win. We assume Ryan's father was red-flagged.
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