Confessions of a Potato Chip Junkie Dear Sir or Madam:   Recently, I heard of the contest being held by the Ohio Department of Agriculture, celebrating the potato chip's 150th year.  While the opportunity to win a lifetime supply seems attractive...

That's the Bee That Stung Me! Last week, your paper published a front-page photo of a wild honeybee hive on Spurgeon Hill Road.  My compliments to the photographer; it is a very nice shot.   However, when I saw the photo, I gasped out loud.  You see, I recognized one of the bees immediately, because it stung me...

Dear Condoleeza, Please Come to My Pizza Party Dear Dr. Rice,   Congratulations on your new job as Secretary of State!  I think it’s a great honor you’ve earned.  You’re one of the greatest National Security Advisers ever, and you’ll do...

Are There Other Uses for the Big Game Cooler Bag? Dear Bass Pro Shop,   I was just perusing the latest issue of your catalog.  A first rate publication.  Young men like myself, living alone in my early thirties, are always grateful for...

Your Video Store's Lack of Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd Offends Me I am a frequent customer of your video store, Dollar Town.  Though the service at this establishment is first rate, and your burgeoning DVD collection gains strength weekly, I have a grievance with your video selection.

Opossums Should Tend to Their Own Dead Editor,   Have you noticed an excess of possum road kill on our highways this spring?  I have too!  This is because the opossum's...

Johnny Appleseed vs. Hugo Lemontree Dear Mr. Leonard, I was pleased to hear about your community's Ohio Bicentennial celebration.  Having people dress up as prominent Ohioans from the past, like Johnny "Appleseed" Chapman, is a fun idea!  Chapman was a folk hero...

Please Return My Alligator Wife In last week's paper, you published an article about a local couple, Sam and Joanna Stephens, who found an alligator near their pond.  Thank God the animal was safe!  You see, from the article's description, I believe the alligator may be my wife, Dixie...

Our State Rep is a Horrible Writer Dear Representative Bubp,   You ignorant bag of pus...

Congressman Bubp's New Photo I am writing to compliment you on the striking new photo of yourself that accompanies your columns in our local papers...

Old Timer's Day Skanks

Inquiry: Can You Deliver Jehovah God's Baby?

I Don't Know Why I Ever Loved You I look back at the times I couldn’t wait to see you again; now the sight of you makes me sick.  I was a different person then.  Just as I used to think Smashmouth was a great band...

The Journal of the Complex Cluster of Amino Proteins Jan. 1: 4,892,342, 569 BC Hello, I am a primitive organism.  Many people are under the misconception that I am a single-celled organism, but they are in error.  I am composed of...

Mr. Davis, Your Students Cut My Face a Little Dear Mister Davis,   I heard your father-in-law died.  I'm sorry.  Perhaps by the time you read this, some of that grief will be alleviated.  This is my first day substitute teaching, but I'm confident...

Why Sports Nerds Love "Rudy" Yesterday I watched the first 35 minute's of "Rudy" five times.  Why only the first 35 minutes?  Because I was showing it to five classes while I was subbing...

Hey Guys, Remember That Time We Saved the Town With a Dance? By Ariel Moore   Hey guys, remember twenty years ago, whenever we flaunted the town's anti-dancing statute by holding a prom just outside the city limits? That was...

You Know, I'll Say Pretty Much Anything to Make You Like Me Hi there, how are you? What's going on? My name? My name's not important, because we're here to talk about you, and what you like. Because whatever you like...

No, You Guys Go Ahead. That Waterslide Killed My Dad Look, I'm not trying to be a stick in the mud here.  I'm having a great time! Guys, I'm really glad we decided to come to Nutty Dolphin Water Park. Really.  I just don't think Whitewater Canyon is for me...

Diplomacy Solves Roommate Conflicts Ryan paid a visit to Peter Cornfield’s room this week, and immediately informed his roommate that his room smelled.  “Hey Pete, you want to get some pizza?  Geez, your room...

Successful Bowel Movement Achieved Coral Springs, FL--Just moments ago, team Ryan Arey just put together a first-rate bowel-movement.  The BM occurred on January 11th between 9:37 and 9:42 am, EST.  Ryan's anus issued the following statement:

Desperate Mix CD Fails to Save Relationship PEEBLES, Ohio--To paraphrase Mick Jagger, Some girls are worth hanging onto. Facing the imminent doom of his one-month relationship...

Awesome Rack Discovered Twenty minutes ago at the McDonald's off Route 90, and awesome rack was...

Orchid Club to Meet, Gossip, This Weekend The first meting of the Meigs Township Orchid Club will meet, and gossip, this weekend.  Members will be invited to speak about...

Patient's Family Suspects Oncologist Has Turrets Binghamton, NY--After six months of struggle, Sarah Davidson has finally won the battle of her life against breast cancer. This Friday...

Maddux's Lunch Box Stolen ATLANTA, Ga--Atlanta starter Greg Maddux's lunch box was stolen from his locker Friday, following his perfect game...

Tigers Say Fuck It DETROIT, Mich.--Major League Baseball won't have the Detroit Tigers to kick around anymore.  Yesterday, the frustrated ball club released this statement: "fuck it."  The "it" being fucked...

Yankees Sign Christ NEW YORK--The New York Yankees added to their already loaded lineup Wednesday, as they announced the free agent signing of Jesus of Nazareth, whom some call the Christ, to a 100 year, multi-million...

Randy Johnson Will Remain Ugly this Season PHOENIX, Az--According to their front office, Diamondbacks starter Randy Johnson, 39, will remain an ugly bastard this season. A spokesman for the club said that Johnson has had a long, prosperous career as an ugly son of a bitch, and there's no sign he's getting pretty any time soon.

Short Poems A selection of short, silly poetry.

I Know Grandma's Secret Growing up on a rustic farm we lived with our grandmother Jean Who quietly did all our washing and milking and baking and kept our bedrooms clean Well, one day I got to thinking and realized I’d never seen…

Baba B'Day's Day Away Each morning good humans go off to earn their pay: The slaughterhouse attendant lines up the meat Mail carriers walk the streets And evil trolls steal children's wishes and turn them into feet But the busiest of them all they say, was Baba D'Day.

Lori's Song Good Lori Smith sat in Sunday School While her teacher told a story About a magical place called heaven That was waiting for Little Lori

The Comet Guggley-geers Did I ever tell you About Dicky Dale? He's the boy That caught the comet's tail

Cowardly Benjamin Mace Everybody gather here and listen To a tale of courage learned About a man named Benjamin Mace His place in legend well deserved He was an unremarkable man With an unremarkable face Hard thick glasses and shiny baldhead Were the trademarks of Benjamin Mace

How Our Fine Pastor Curtis Got Himself Some New Religion When I was a kid we went to the little white tabernacle out past the River Briar And we had ourselves a fine Pastor Curtis that would set that little House o' God afire Well he'd shout to heaven an' he'd shout to hell and he'd-a point to the rafters and start to sing He lit up that little combo band and oh how that little white chapel'd swing He jumped and shouted and stood on his head giving Lord Jesus his due praise We were swooned and spelled, gladly beholden to everything he says

I'll Keep You Cump'ny in Hell I once loved a girl, Linda Loo She smoked and cussed like a man, yes it's true But sin caught up with her at the end of a gun Now she's down in hell an' the devil's a-havin' his fun

Max and Stanley Stingy Stanley had all the best stuff His room was full of every kind of toy And he never left his big white house Where he tightly kept the world's joys

Tommy Loon's House in June In my class there's This boy named Tommy Loon No one really likes him much 'Cause his head's shaped like the moon