Blog #11 My Daughter's Baptism:  Today I baptized my daughter myself, in a creek at sunset.. It was such a magical moment, listening to the women's choir sing Amazing Grace, feeling the Holy Ghost flow through my arms into the water, and into her soul. The setting sun cast a golden glow over the countryside, spraying a million yellow ripples across the water. I thought "This is what heaven must look like." I must have lost track of time, because I held her under there a long time, and people were looking at me. We revived her, no problem.

Blog #10:  Apparently my sister is married to a Russian.  I guess everybody knew but me.  Like, I knew he talked funny, but I just thought maybe he was a little bit retarded.  I mean, I know those people totally have freedom now, and that's great, but I'd rather Candice be dead than married to a communist I'll never forgive the Commies for what they did to Doug Masters.

Blog #9 It's so irritating when people honk their horns at me.  Especially when I'm trying to count birds on the power lines at a red light.  There's always so many!

Blog #8:  Avatar is the biggest RIP-OFF IN THE WORLD!  I still had my 3-D glasses from Up, so I brought them so Kate wouldn't have to buy a whole new pair.  BUT THEY MADE US PAY FOR NEW GLASSES ANYWAYS!!!  Now I'm going to have, like a million pairs of these things, and they're useless because they don't make everything 3-D, just movies.  And they DON'T EVEN MAKE ALL MOVIES 3-D!  Kate and I went to see "Valentine's Day" and brought our glasses, but NOTHING HAPPENED!!!  Maybe because we brought Avatar glasses, and we needed different ones or something.   Sorry I got so angry.  I don't like getting angry, because I sweat a lot and then I get sad.

Blog #7:  Famous People I Refuse to Meet.   Hey gang!  I know that just because I'm famous, you'd think I've met like a million other famous people, right?  Wrong, r-tards!  They are TONS of famous people I've only seen on movies and TV, just like you.  Like Tom Selleck!  I was once invited to a party at his house, but didn't go because there was alcohol there.  Or Markie Post (I didn't meet her because she defended prostitutes on Night Court).  I also snubbed Tom Cruise at a cookout, because I'm freaked out by short people.

Blog #6:  I CAN'T BELIEVE RYAN'S MARRIED!!!!  It's SO cool!  I totally wish him the best, even though I'm a little hurt I wasn't invited to the wedding.  But anyways, being married to Kate is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  (Yeah, sorry girls, I AM married...I won't even kiss another woman in a movie, because of God).   And yes, I'm married to the same Kate that I was dating on Growing Pains!  (Remember "Meet the Seavers, " where Ben goes into real-life?  I explained it then!).  I would have married Julie, but she was whore who ran out on me and took off her clothes for a naughty magazine. But one last thing Ryan: I hear your wife is a Jew.  Now being a Jew is totally cool (remember, Jesus was half Jewish!) but don't forget she can't get into heaven unless she becomes a regular person!  You guys may spend the rest of your lives together, but not Eternity!!!!

Blog #5:  Did you guys know they made a Transformers movie with real live people?  It's SO cool!  I watched it today, and it's amazing how much they can do with technology.  I mean, they can MAKE A ROBOT THAT TURNS INTO A CAR!!!!!!

Blog #4:  Great News!   Jesus loves you!  Do matter what you do, or how many times you say you don't believe in Him, He will still love you and pray for you.  Doesn't that make you feel bad?  Like if you had a friend that was always nice to everyone, but you thought he was kind of lame, so you never told him about stuff you were doing?  Then you say something about how like he's so weird, and you didn't realize he was in the room?  Well, Jesus is that friend.  He was in the room when you said He was lame.  But He still loves you.

Blog #3:  The band-aid on my leg zit seems to be working.  Isn't it crazy how much it was bugging me, but it was so easy to fix?  It's a lot like life, you know.  Often times the little things that bother us are the things most easiest to cover with band-aids.  Got a bad haircut?   Put a band-aid on it.  Protesters outside your house?   Put a band-aid on it.  Just make sure you keep buying band-aids.

Blog #2:  I've got a wicked zit on my leg.  And it hurts!  I only notice it when I sit down and it rubs up against my chair.  Owwwwwch!  It's just above my knee, on the backside of my leg.  It's sorta purple.  Should I pop it?  Or maybe put a band-aid on it?  Yeah, I'll try that.

Blog #1: You are probably going to Hell.  I hate to say it, but it's true.  There's like, 300 billion people on Planet Earth, and most of them aren't friends with Jesus.  I don't want to brag or anything, BUT I'M GOING TO HEAVEN!!!   Heaven is going to be awesome!  The Bible doesn't tell us WHAT exactly is in heaven, but there's a lot of rewards there.  Like if you found someone's puppy, you'd get a reward.  But guess what?  God doesn't have a puppy.  So there's only one way to NOT go to HELL: by accepting Jesus Christ as your savior.  Do it today so we CAN HANG OUT IN HEAVEN TOGETHER@!!!!