Manly Things

A lot you peter puffers out there are going to try and tell me that AC Slater was the manliest one on Saved by the Bell, because he played sports, or that Zack was cause he could freeze time and mac on any girl in school. Screw that with an electric pogo stick. Zack and Slater were gay together. Screech is a fuckin' bad ass because he had the balls to dress like a fucking loser, even though it was pretty fucking clear that the Bubble Yum wrappers he was wearing would get him NO ASS at all. Screech was all like, fuck that poon, I'll wear what I want. Yeah, Lisa never wanted any of his white ass, but Screech was always pimpin' the nerdy bitches like violet. He never got his cock rocked like Zack, but who gives a fuck? Boy was happy, so he said fuck the bullshit and did what he wanted. Takes a lot of nerd sack to be the person yo want, and not just copy what other people do and wear (like butt buddies Zack and Slater).

Let me ask you a question, you fucking girl. Would you let 10 little blind animals with sharp teeth bite you and squeeze fluid out of your body? Fuck no you wouldn't, you candy ass fucker. You'd sit there watching your faggy football, protecting your soft little nipples with a Payton Manning jersey and a layer of Cheeto crumbs, while a bunch of the cutest fucking kittens you've ever seen starved to death in a box in the garage. Fuck you.

A lot of people think unicorns are for sissies. I think they're bad ass cause they're magic and they impale evil shit with their horns and stand majestically above waterfalls and you can make unicorn pie with them. That's not a pie made from unicorns, that's a regular pie a unicorn has blessed with its horn. Anytime you want to roll, bring your faggy doberman; me and my unicorn will fuck you up.

I used to think She-Ra was He-Man for girls, till I saw the original She-Ra TV movie.

Turns out that while Prince Adam was being raised as a pampered little spoiled monarch, She-Ra was being raised by the evil villain Hordak to be his number one general in his planet-wide empire.

So from birth, She-ra has learned to combat like a bad ass, while Prince Adam was sulking in the corner during official state dinners and shit. he-Man's signature combat move is twirling someone by their feet or knocking something heavy over onto the enemy.

She-ra's got a more powerful sword, and cool-ass flying unicorn (and we already know unicorns are bad ass) and every day she has to fight a rebellion against the global empire of Hordak.

Hordak is a way more killer villain than He-Man's arch-rival, Skelator. In fact, according to the She-Ra movie, Skelator was Hordak's apprentice. While Hordak conquered a planet, Skelator can barely leave Snake Mountain without getting his boney blue ass handed to him.

Also, She-Ra's sword is telepathic.

Finally, He-Man surrounded himself with the baddest mother fuckers on Eternia: Stratos, Man at Arms, Ram Man, battlecat, Man-E-Faces, etc....She-ra wa surrounded by incompetent limp-dicks like Bow and Glimmer.

Hell, even He-Man's annoying sidekick Orko is more bad ass than the rainbow koala-bat thing that follows she-ra around and gives her hair advice.

If She-Ra lived on Eternia instead of Etheria, she wouldn't wait on Skelator to attack, she'd go to Snake Mountain, make a furry bra out of Beast Man, stab Skelator in the heart with his own ram head staff, and serve Mer-Man to the family for dinner.

She-ra could kick your ass.

Rainbows are more badass than unicorns. For one thing, what did God do after he flooded the earth and killed 99% of the population? he showed Noah a rainbow. So every time you see a rainbow, remember that God is one tough son of a bitch who can wipe you out whenever he wants.

Gays use rainbows as their battle flag, and there's nothing more manly than gay people. These are dudes so hard core they don't even bother messing with girls.

And leprechauns could hide their gold anywhere...swiss bank account, magical chest at the bottom of the sea...but they picked rainbows, cause it would take one tough mother to find the end of these things. And even if you did get to the end, what'll you find? A bunch of pissed off, drunk, IRA little bastards with magic powers that think you're trying to steal their gold and their breakfast cereal.

And finally, when the Norse gods come to earth to mess stuff up and fight frost giants, how they get here? On a fuckin' rainbow.

This is Franz Ferdinad, a dude so tough just his death kicked off a world war. Why is he a badass? because he was the heir to the throne of an imperialist country, and he decided to go visit a country that hated him just for kicks. Not only that, but he brought along his woman and they rode around in a convertible.

That's like Sasha Obama taking a Camaro ride through Fallujah.

Then some Black hand assholes try to kill him by throwing a bomb in his car, and he just chucks it right back at them.

Then instead of going to his hotel room and chilling out, he finishes his day, gives a speech where he basically told Serbians they were assholes, then takes a bullet in the face on the way home.