Hey there. I'm The Kingdom, a new blockbuster directed by Peter Berg. You like political thrillers about the Middle East and terrorism? Did you like Syriana, Munich, and Lions for Lambs? Then you'll love my opening title sequence, which sums up the last 100 years of Saudi Arabia's history with thrilling music and brilliant computer graphics.

My opening title sequence is informative and kinetic, and will make you want to see what comes next.

Then watch as I show you a realistic, documentary-style shoot out which details the massacre of American families in an oil camp. Then enter Oscar winners Jamie Foxx and Chris Cooper, with a little Jason Bateman and Jeremy Piven thrown in for comic relief. Jennifer Gardner is here, too. Her boobs look great, don't they?

We're going to go ahead and give you some delicate political maneuvering, dinners with Arab princes, and some CSI-style detective work. At this point, I bet you think I'm steering you toward some sort of subtle crime thriller. Look, Jamie Foxx is even becoming friends with an Arab cop. We'll probably explore the nuances of the differences between eastern and western culture.

Wrong, dumb ass! Fooled you! The terrorists are going to kidnap Jason Bateman (the only FBI agent who would be worthless in a firefight). Then we're going to have a car chase and a Rambo shootout where the white hats shoot the shit out of the towel hats.

Awesome!

Don't worry; of course the good guys win. That's what happens in action movies. But wait: am I an action movie. I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a little twist at the end that makes you think the Americans maybe aren't as pure as we think. Ha-ha!

This makes me meaningful, and now you feel introspective. Now you feel informamantained!