HAVANA, Cuba—The world was shocked yesterday by a sad aftermath to the World Baseball Classic.  After their heartbreaking 10-8 loss to Japan in the WBC finals, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro ordered the entire 24-man roster of Cuba’s national team put to death.

The executions are a harsh reminder to WBC critics who claim the contest “Didn’t mean anything.” 

After the humiliation of a second-place finish, punishment was swift.  Teammates were rounded up by Castro’s elite military commandoes, the “Los Diablo Lobos” (in English, “Demon Wolves”).  Infielders and outfielders alike were hanged, decapitated and shot down by firing squad.  Ormari Romero, losing pitcher for the Cubans, had electrodes attached to his nipples and was drowned in a bucket of chum. 

The families of the losers have been sent to detention camps, and will live in poverty and disgrace until they die.

Japanese Elated

Japan’s victory was not a surprise.  Since the end of World War 2, Japanese culture has revolved around baseball.  On every Japanese child’s 8^th birthday, they are judged by Imperial Scouts.  If the young athletes show promise, they are taken from their families and reared to manhood in training camps. 

All of this is done under the close supervision of the Minister of Baseball, Kung Fu General Fuji “Blood Feast” Takhato. 

“The fate of the Cubans is good and right,” said Kung-Fu General Blood Feast.  “Were our young samurai to lose, they would have each committed ritual suicide, or risk disgracing their ancestors.”

According to an ESPN poll, 3% of Americans followed the WBC finals, while 95% admitted to “not giving even a tiny fuck” about the contest.”