After discussing inter-league play, the ownership of the Nationals, and the possibility of more expansion teams, the subject turned to steroids.

“We’re working hard to make sure the game is purified,” said Selig.  “This kind of foul play will not be tolerated in my league.  I have drafted a proposal that says all second-time abusers will be banned for life, but the union hasn’t approved it yet.”

After a couple moments of silence, Fehr backhanded Selig in the eye, with what is commonly known as a “bitch” slap.

The pale, wormish Selig fell from his chair and began crying while Fehr’s fottball-player frame straddled him, fists clenched.

“You like that, you little fuck?” screamed Fehr.  “Talk back to me again, mother fucker, if you want some more.”

Fehr then stormed out, leaving a bloody-nosed Selig to close off the conference.  “As I said, there are many variables to factor in here.  We need to establish a consortium of…of….”  Selig then burst into tears and abandoned his microphone.

In Other News

Chicago

Nomar Garciapara has made some progress rehabbing his groin injury.  The All-Star shortstop performed ten minutes of simulated masturbation Wednesday. 

Cincinnati

Reds fans were given a special treat in last night’s game when outfielders Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr. hit two really hard foul balls.  

Starter Eric Milton has invented a time machine, just so he could travel back in time and give up a home run to Babe Ruth. 

Danny Graves and D’Angelo Jimenez have begun building a fort/tree house with a sign out front that reads, “No Reds Ownership Allowed!” 

San Francisco

Barry Bonds announced this week that he has purchased a Lay-Z-Boy recliner and a Play Station 2.  Also, his trainer has been feeding him magic beans that should heal his wounded knee and give him the strength of ten men.

New York City

Frustrated by his teams’ dismal performance, George Steinbrenner entered the dugout during Thursday’s game and shot Joe Torre at the base of his skull with a .45 Magnum.

In other Yankee news, shortstop Derek Jeter admitted that he is highly overrated, and isn’t really worth a shit.

Minnesota

Johanna Santana revealed this week that not only is he the most dominant pitcher in baseball, but he can levitate objects with his mind, and turn invisible.  

Boston

Ted Williams returned to Fenway Park this week, now half-man, half-machine.  Since having his head frozen in 2002, medical science has advanced enough to create a robot body for Teddy Ballgame.  Upon his return, the cyborg asked for a Coors original and told Johnny Damon to get a haircut.

Colorado

Clint Barmes, the rookie sensation who broke his collarbone carrying deer meat up his stairs, has said that the meat wasn’t even worth it.  “Too chewy and hard,” said the Rockie.  “Like chewing rubber.”